We’ve reached the time of the year where most movie writers as important as me are compiling their top ten lists for 2012. They know the movie going public is anxiously waiting to find out what the best films of the year are so they can stop wasting their money on shitty movies and spend the month of January watching all the good ones they missed in the theatre.
I am far too lazy for that. Instead, my top ten list is going to be the IMDB list of the top Ten Grossing Films of 2012, along with my oh so important commentary on those films. The difference between this list and other top ten lists is that I’ll be making a list of movies you’ve actually seen. Or at least movies you’ve heard of.
So, it’s time to get to the list. My top ten films of 2012 are:
10: Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted
Actually, I fucking hate the movie. I don’t hate it because it sucks. I hate it because of that fucking “da da da da da da da da CIRCUS/da da da da da da da da AFRO/CIRCUS AFROM CIRCUS AFRO/POLKA DOT POLKA DOT POLKA DOT AFRO” song. My kids won’t stop singing that song. My wife won’t stop singing that song. I can’t stop singing that song.
Fuck Chris Rock.
Ted was easily the best computer-animated-swearing-bear-movie that came out this year. It fills the Bridesmaids/Hangover spot on my list. In case you were wondering if college aged boys who still laugh at fart jokes are a box office force, here’s your answer.
8: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Really? This is a top ten grossing film? It’s only been out four weeks!
Why do they call this film “An Unexpected Journey,” anyway? We all knew Peter Jackson was going to be making this movie someday. It was the most expected journey in the history of film making. Who does Peter Jackson think he’s fooling?
Holy shit! Who knew chicks bought tickets to see the movies?
6: The Amazing Spider-Man
I figure this movie did really well because they decided to change the name from The Amazing Spider-Man and the Not Anywhere Near as Interesting Lizard.
5: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2
There was no better film this year that featured a lead actress who seemed so completely uninterested in the plot of her own movie. She was probably also fucking her director. And her co-star. No, the other one. Maybe at the same time.
But she probably didn’t look very interested when she was doing it.
James Bond returned. Again. This year Bond returned to Istanbul and London and other exotic locations. He also probably fucked his director. Because (as we learned in Skyfall), he’s apparently into that shit.
3: The Hunger Games
This movie probably has the unfortunate side effect of causing a huge increase in the number of baby girls named “Katniss.” If Jennifer Lawrence is murdered by a deranged fan about twenty years from now, you can make a pretty good guess that the poor kid started with her obnoxious fangeek parents.
Looking back a few movies on the list, I just want to caution parents that “Bilbo” is a really fucking stupid name for a kid. If you name your child Bilbo (or Frodo or Gandalf), you are ensuring they will get beaten up on the playground every day until they are permitted to legally change their name.
2: The Dark Knight Rises
Man, just imagine how much money this movie would have made if anyone who saw it had actually liked it!
1: Marvel’s The Avengers
Yes, the best movie of 2012 was a movie featuring two Norse Gods, a big green guy and a strong black character who didn’t end up dying. It also featured more homoerotic subtext than any film this year.
I don’t know if Joss Whedon can take any credit for the defeat of several gay marriage amendments this fall but I think he should. Given how much money his film made at the box office and the fact that the clearly gay agenda was punctuated by giant flying dicks coming fighting a bunch of muscled macho dudes (and Scarlett Johansson), it’s obvious that he did more to convince people that being gay was OK (and possibly a great way to get chicks) than anyone else in the movie industry this year.
So drink a toast to yourself, Mr Whedon! You made more money than Donald Trump did this year! Speaking from experience, the fifth re-watch of your film is far more interesting than anything Trump said this year.
And in conclusion: