After a long campaign, Mitt Romney was forced to concede defeat to Barack Obama on Tuesday. Having spend the better part of the last four years positioning himself to challenge Obama, many are wondering, what will Romney do next?
“Well,” Romney said, “I’m weighing a lot of options but if everything falls through, I will still be really fucking rich.”
While concerned what another four years of Obama may do to his tax rates, Romney admitted that if all he wants to do from now on is go skiing in Switzerland, he can “definitely afford it.”
The future is not entirely rosy, Romney admits. If he doesn’t get at least a few lucrative speaking engagements, he is concerned that his grandchildren and great grandchildren may be forced to work for a living. He claims Obama’s “regressive tax policies” could result in his heirs receiving only a “gigantic fraction” of the fortune he has managed to amass during his years in the private sector.
“I really worry about the kids,” he lamented, “most of them have spent their lives in expensive private boarding schools and have no idea what it would be like to work a real job as a CEO or a motivational speaker. Christmas at Club Med just doesn’t prepare them for the real world so I need to work to make sure they never see it.”
If the speaking engagements don’t pan out, Romney says he is entertaining offers from “Celebrity Apprentice, Dancing With the Stars” and “Survivor: Monaco.”
Romney confesses that his worries are probably for nothing as he describes himself as “loaded.” However, his “rainy day fund” of 300 million was “significantly depleted” due to campaign expenses. While a check from the Koch Brothers will likely cover most of that gap, he says he will probably have to earn back “four or five million” through actual work like speaking engagements and product endorsements.
“The next few months will be hard,” he admitted, “but they would be a lot harder if I didn’t have so much fucking money.”
After talking with reporters about his financial troubles, Romney hopped into a limousine that drove him to the airport where his private jet was parked.
As he got into the limo, he was heard to say “Isn’t this a sweet ride? One percent motherfuckers!”
He then flew to his home on the Cayman islands to consider his options.