Allen Standford Sentenced by Ponzi Scheme

Allen Stanford

Onetime billionaire and Ponzi scheme operator Allen Stanford was recently sentenced to ten years in prison by U.S. District Judge David Hittner.

In a controversial move, Hittner then contacted ten other judges, each of whom added 10 years to Standford’s term, for a total sentence of 110 years.

Rod Blagojevich

Judge Hittner is just the latest convert to the new legal trend of “Your Own Medicine” sentencing (YOM), a means of convicting criminals using their own methods against them. In June of last year former Illinois governor Rob Blagojevich was sentenced on 11 counts of attempting to sell the vacated senate seat of Barack Obama by Judge James Zagel, who launched a Kickstarter for Blagojevich’s term.

“We reached our stretch goal of 14 years in under 14 days,” Zagel said. “Really we should have set our goals higher, but it was our first time.” Incentives included bumper sticker’s bearing Blagojevich’s classic line “Fucking Golden” (referring to the money he expected to make selling Obama’s senate seat) for $5, a novelty Blagojevich hair piece for $25, and the opportunity to punch Blagojevich in the mouth for $100. “We had an astonishing number of $100 bids,” said Zagel.

Convicted sick fuck
Jerry Sandusky

Interest in this new sentencing method has reached a fever pitch as the world awaits the sentencing of convicted sick fuck Jerry Sandusky. Experts believe his punishment will likely be considerably worse than theĀ Level Ten Wedgie inflicted upon East Indian pervert Thokesh Phateval in New Delhi, where YOM sentencing is extremely popular.

“I’m not sure how Judge Cleland will handle the sentencing,” said Pennsylvania Attorney General Linda Kelly, whose office prosecuted Sandusky, “But we’re sure Sundusky’s gonna take it in the shorts.” Asked why Sandusky has been put on suicide watch Kelly replied, “No way he’s getting off as easy as Paterno.”