Atheist Goes To Heaven, Is Royally Fucking Pissed

Jack Federson, a life-long atheist who campaigned against Christianity and other forms of theism, died in a car accident last Tuesday and promptly ascended into Heaven. “This is some serious bullshit,” he said, communicating through medium/psychic Sarah Walker. “Not only am I dead, but it turns out God, Heaven, and those asshole spirit mediums are all real,” Federson said via Walker’s automatic writing.

Federson was well-known in the online community as a skeptic, debunker, and militant atheist. “God is an illusion force-fed to humanity in order to sell more wars,” he tweeted on April 23rd. “Wake up, sheeple.” Another tweet reads, “That show Medium is garbage. If the dead could talk, don’t you think that could be proven with science? Nice tits, though.”

When confronted with these past opinions, Federson caused a table to rise off the ground. “Yeah, I was wrong. Thanks for reading my tweets back to me in the afterlife. That’s really fucking helpful,” Federson said through Walker’s mid-trance moans.

Christians in Heaven with Federson are reportedly angry at his inclusion. Hope Masterfield, who claims she speaks with angels daily, says the atheist’s entry into the Kingdom of Heaven has upset many of the devout. “There are people who went to church every day, devoted their whole life to serving Jesus. They didn’t think any atheists would get in to Heaven. It’s turned everyone’s faith upside down. I’m starting to wonder if my Precious Moments figurines even mean anything anymore.”

“Yeah, they’re pretty pissed off about it,” Federson confirmed. “But not nearly as pissed as I am. I was looking forward to death being the end. Done. Black out. Fin. Instead I have to spend eternity in one long never-ending church service with the people I disliked most on Earth. Fantastic.”

Panicked atheists are holding meetings to determine what to do now. “I’ve always been a good person, I didn’t need any religious belief to steer my morality. But now I’m wondering if I should kill someone or something. I mean, everyone knows all the cool people will be in Hell. I certainly can’t stand the thought of eternity with a bunch of Jesus freaks,” said Mindy Larsen. “There’s only so many times you can hear ‘Amazing Grace,’ you know?”

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