Aries 3/21 – 4/19
You will feel very frustrated in the middle of the month. I’m supposed to tell you it’s because of the Sun’s harsh rays stressing the intense Uranus-Pluto square, but it’s more likely because of your impending divorce. Not married? You will be. And then you’ll get divorced because of the goddamned Uranus-Pluto square. Also because of your alcoholism. Anything else you want to correct about your horoscope? Yeah, didn’t think so. Tell your wife I say “You’re totally getting away with it.” She’ll know what that means.
Taurus 4/20 – 5/20
Mercury is heading into your 5th House of Self-Expression, so buckle up, bitches, cos it’s about to get communicative up in here. Your mind is full of ideas that need to be shared. Saturn is in your 6th House of Work, and we all know Saturn is a total poonhound, so the only logical conclusion from these two “facts” is that you should tell your boss how much you want to fuck her. No, it’s cool. She’ll appreciate your bold honesty. Just show her this horoscope and tell her the planets told you to do it. Then get ready to clean out your desk!
Gemini 5/21 – 6/20
Geminis usually crave stability and constancy. I think. Fuck it, I’m not looking it up. They do. But sucks to be you, Gemini, because August is full of change and surprises because of the planets doing their usual planet bullshit. The Aquarius full moon at the start of August will make you daydream so much you forget to take care of business in the present moment. But then look out, because that old bastard Mercury is in retrograde, which causes you to suffer from a lack of preparation. I hope you like unplanned pregnancies!
Cancer 6/21 – 7/22
Did you know there’s a Blue Moon this month? It’s true, but apparently it has no astrological significance, which is fucking hilarious because everything else in the goddamned sky does. Anyway, this insignificant moon is in Pisces and occurs in your 9th House of Philosophy in a trine with Mars in Scorpio. According to the idiot who writes the “real” horoscopes, this is a perfect time for you to actualize one of your dreams. Make it the one where you’re naked in front of your kindergarten teacher and all your teeth fall out.
Leo 7/23 – 8/22
Listen, dude, you gotta narrow your focus. Shit’s about to get real in your 12th House of Privacy. You are struggling to advance your agenda all month, and it will take you until the end of August to realize that no one wants to join your weird band. Seriously, why would anyone want to mix dreampop with post-prog altcountry? That’s stupid. You’re stupid. Mars told me you’ve been a dick lately, too. Something about the alignment with Saturn making you recalcitrant at best. Jesus, is it that hard to just accept that you are generally undesirable because of who you are and what you’re like?
Virgo 8/23 – 9/22
Did you know Mercury is your ruling planet? Well, it is. That’s a true fact of science. It is turning direct this month, and when you add that to the Sun going into Virgo, you get a calm, confident, courageous little you all ready to take on the future and forget the past. See, life without drugs is totally fun, not awful like you expected. Although, it would obviously be even better with drugs. I mean, everything is, am I right? I bet you could think of three people off the top of your head that could sell you drugs right now! That’s because Mars is in your 3rd House of Information. Man, drugs are so fun. I don’t know why anyone would ever quit them.
Libra 9/23 – 10/22
I’m getting conflicting information from the stars about you. On the one hand, non-conformist Aquarius is in your 5th House of Love & Creativity. On the other, popular Venus is in your public 10th House. But you can’t be popular and non-conformist at the same time! Haven’t you ever seen a movie about high school? And then to make matters worse, Mercury is in Leo which makes you all flirty and clever and slutty. So it should be no surprise that your life gets melodramatic around the 17th. Don’t blame the Leo New Moon. It’s your fault for being such a chatty little whore.
Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21
Leo is occupying your 10th House of Career which will put you in the spotlight and in a role of leadership. You won’t want to take that role, because of Aquarius being an asshole. So you’ll try to duck all this new responsibility and when Mars enters Scorpio, you’ll start to complain about things to friends and family. Meanwhile, I’m writing this in a rest stop in Wisconsin and it smells like someone pissed from one corner of this bathroom to the next. My point is, we all have problems, so shut up and be glad you don’t have to write horoscopes for a website no one ever visits.
Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21
You have some loose ends that need tying up immediately, otherwise retrograding Mercury will do something and something bad might happen. Or something. It’s not too clear, mostly because it’s made up. Whatever, forget that part. What’s important is Pluto is squaring Uranus and when you add Venus to that you get a bunch of jealous controlling people trying to boss you around. But no one bosses you around, right? Right. So you show them. You show them all. By the way, Jupiter says buy a gun.
Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19
Money. It buys stuff. You like stuff, and you need money. Uranus will open your eyes to some financial opportunities, and enterprising Mars has partnered with the harmonious Moon to enlighten you regarding money matters. Things to consider doing to make money during this period: go to the casino, raise your blowjob rates, sell your blood, burn down your house for the insurance money, or fuck your way to a raise. You’ve earned it. Or, you will have. After the quid-pro-quo sex.
Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18
Have you been feeling at odds with people lately? (Don’t lie to me, yes you have. I’m all-seeing, motherfucker.) Well, all that will change when Mercury enters your 7th House of Others and his communicative ass makes you better at talking to other human beings as though you, too, were a human being. Immediately after that happens, the Leo New Moon will give you the confidence boost you have sorely been needing. Being confident and talkative sounds like a good future, right? Nope. You will ask that new girl from accounting if she’s pregnant, but she is not. Nice work, now she’s crying.
Pisces 2/19 – 3/20
Oh, Pisces. What the fuck are you doing? You are one whimsical bitch lately, and it’s all Neptune’s fault. Neptune is your ruling planet (which you should have guessed because it is so fucking obvious) and it’s smack in the middle of your 1st House of Personality. So you’re feeling pretty sure of yourself, and yourself is a make-believe-loving free spirit. Ugh. You’re exhausting everyone around you with your puddle splashing and feather vests and quirky jewelry. I hate to even mention this, but you’ll soon be flooded with new spiritual insights thanks to Jupiter in your 12th House of Divinity. Great, you’ll be waxing poetic about energy and somehow become even less tolerable. Thanks a lot, Jupiter.