Throbbing Like Your Mom’s Herpes Sores
Minneapolis (AP) – This weekend Minnesotans endured nearly their third consecutive day of non-frigid temperatures, with clear skies and highs in the mid-70′s. Casualties were high as many, venturing watery-eyed from their darkened homes into the direct glare of sunlight, burst immediately into flame.
Complaints about the temperatures ran rampant, while some have already begun comparing this to the Great Drought of That One Week Last January When it Got Warm.
Not everyone was complaining about the weather, however. Climate-change denialists, for one group, were delighted about the abnormally-seasonal April temps.
“First George Soros and Al Gore made up ‘Global Warming,” said climate-change denier Anthony Watts, “then when we pointed out that snow still falls in the winter, they renamed it ‘Climate Change.’ Now that we’ve had several days of absolutely normal April weather that proves conclusively that the climate isn’t changing.”
Continue reading Minnesotans Bake in Heat Wave
The Voice of Reason
Steubenville, OH – The American satire industry reeled this week beneath the impact of issues surrounding the rape in Steubenville, Ohio, of an underage girl and the conviction of her rapists. Cynical career snark-meisters broke down in tears. Professional scandal-fabulists, including veterans of the Weekly World News and the British Daily Mail, were left slack-jawed before the reality of the scandals unfolding in a town becoming infamous for a longstanding culture of rape and rape-related coverups.
Weekly World News “Bat Boy”
Eddie Clontz, writer for a paper known for reporting on “Bat Boy” and Elvis clones, described panic in the offices of the Weekly World News. “We’d write a story about, I dunno, kids threatening the victim for making their football players look bad – and right before going to press we’re scooped by Reuters.” Clontz shakes his head. “Then we said, ‘Okay, how about we claim that CNN posted stories empathizing with the rapists.’ Well, first we found The Onion had already done that one in, like, 2007, but then that idiot Poppy Harlow over at CNN, actually goes and says it!” Clontz throws up his hands “We got NUTHIN’ now!”
Continue reading Satire in Crisis: Rape Reporting Defies Satire
Earth (AP) – A newly released study by scientists all over the globe has alarmed world leaders and shaken the confidence of the average person. In a joint conference from laboratories in Beijing, the United States, Paris, and Moscow, scientists predicted that within one hundred years, almost every person on the planet Earth will die.
“Clearly we are quite alarmed,” said Director-General Yves Demay of École Polytechnique. “By current estimates, we predict almost seven billion deaths will occur over the next century. That is a tragedy beyond comprehension.”
According to records produced as evidence by the coalition of scientists, billions have already died in the past century, and numbers are increasing. “In the year 1900, there were 1.65 billion people in the world,” noted Charles McMillan of Los Alamos National Laboratory, “As far as we can tell based on our studies, almost all of them have died.”
Continue reading Scientists Predict Billions Will Die
The President Describes a Confiscation in Chicago
Washington, D.C. – Responding to the tragic school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, U.S. President Barack Obama announced what gun-rights advocates and Obama critics have long feared: a joint US and United Nations task force to address the problem of gun violence in the United States.
“The problem is simple,” said the President before the assembled representatives to the United Nations. “America’s Second Amendment is clear: the right to bear arms shall not be infringed. Meanwhile, violent American men have been playing a game of ‘Whose Dick is Bigger,’ while treating their guns like an extension of their penises. But no more.”
“This new joint program, announced today between the UN and the United States, intends to confiscate those penises.”
Continue reading Obama, UN Conspire in Confiscation Scheme
Berea, OH – The tragic death of Cleveland Browns grounds crew member Eric Eucker here at the Browns’ Berea, Ohio training facility, on the same day as the nightmarish murder-suicide of Kasandra Perkins by Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher, has brought to light the dirty secret hidden by the bright lights of the National Football League: bullying.
Cursed with the last name “Belcher,” the linebacker was subject to an endless parade of locker room hijinks, from cruel nicknames like “Burper” and “Farter,” to having the word “Belcher” stitched humiliatingly across his official NFL jersey.
Eucker, meanwhile, was described by friends as a gentle man, kind, who cared about his friends and was firm in his faith. Obviously these behaviors prompted bullying from his football colleagues who label such sentiments ‘weak’ and even ‘feminine.’
“He was such a good man,” said one co-worker, “But these bastards kept tearing the bottom line off of the capital E on his name. It was hard to watch even though it did make me laugh.” Continue reading Rash of Suicides Highlights Problem of Bullying in NFL
The Face of Friendlier Shootings
Newtown, Conn – As the nation reels following the latest horrific mass shooting of more than two dozen victims, the National Rifle Association (NRA) has bravely stepped up to address the problem illustrated by these terrible stories in the press.
“Clearly things cannot go on as they have been,” said NRA spokesperson Andrew Arulanandam. “People are scared. They’re scared to go to the mall. They’re scared to send their kids to school. We at the NRA believe that it’s time to stop scaring Americans.”
With that the NRA rolled out its new name for what used to be called mass shootings:
“Second Amendment Freedom Sprees.”
Continue reading NRA Addresses “Mass Shootings.”
Sign Now Identifies Bigots AND Losers
Kampala, Uganda – Fully committed to protecting their children from the dangers of homosexual marriage, hundreds of Minnesotans who supported the Marriage Amendment to the Minnesota state constitution began arriving in Kampala, Uganda to start a new life in Africa’s leading homosexuality-free haven.
“We’re serious about protecting our children from the dangers posed by homosexual marriage,” said Mark Hayes, formerly of Minneapolis. “Sure, the United States outranks Uganda by almost every measure,” he continued, “but I see that as an opportunity and a challenge.”
Continue reading Minnesotan Exodus to Uganda
Youth Radiation Brigade
Koriyama, Japan – Reacting to similar programs in the United States and Great Britain, Japanese officials have recently begun a program to develop mutant superpowers in Japanese children.
According to a report in the Christian Science Monitor, Japan has begun storing radioactive waste beneath the ground in local playgrounds and public parks.
Mutant Sunflowers in Guilford, UK
Speaking English completely out of sync with his mouth movements, Japanese Scientist and Government Official Shiruku Uddo was enthusiastic about the program’s chances of success. “Japan has learned much from the United States, Britain, and Russia about these mutant-development programs. The Chernobyl efforts have produced a number of notable mutations, and we are hopeful our similar project in Fukushima will be as productive. However, in an effort to increase the chances of superpower development we have undertaken a program to share radiation with all of Japan.” Titled the Youth Radiation Brigade, Japanese schoolchildren are being offered the chance to participate for free in the hopes that they will develop such popular mutant powers as flight, laser vision, and invulnerability.
Continue reading Japan Launches Crash Program to Develop Mutant Powers
MN Renaissance Festival
Shakopee, MN – New security measures are in the plans for the Minnesota Renaissance Festival, following the discovery of nearly a billion dollars of valuable dirt beneath the venerable venue.
Mining operations have been underway for years in nearby quarries dug in the late 20th Century by prospectors from the East Coast. Veins of dirt, gravel, and rock discovered beneath the Minnesota’s thick layer of snow prompted hundreds of Libertarians – tired of the stifling Liberal Elitism of the original 13 Colonies – to head West in search of a fortune, and the Minnesota Dirt Rush was born.
But their good fortune spelled trouble for the Renaissance Festival (or “Fest”), which was established as “Future Land” in 1512 (Like KQRS radio, Fest has become an antiquarian phenomenon by simply changing nothing about its entertainment since its establishment). After the quarries were played out attention has turned inevitably to the festival grounds themselves. Continue reading RenFest Owner Institutes Security Measures
Hogsmeade, UK – Desperate to increase declining enrollment, Slytherin House of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry today unveiled a new water park featuring Slytherin’s infamous serpent motif. Enrollment in the fourth-most-popular Hogwarts House has been in decline for some time, and whispers have lately been circulating that the House would be disbanded altogether and its students merged with Hufflepuff, or permitted to transfer to Durmstrang.
Rumored to be considering his second retirement, Head of Slytherin House Horace Slughorn dismissed speculation and denies that he wished to “go out with a bang.” Continue reading Slytherin Opens Water Park