RECIPE: Super Awesome Caveman Snack of Deliciousness

 This little snack is something fixed up by the Head Trollop, who eats it most days at work as a morning treat. It’s a mix of fruit, yogurt, and nuts, which means that there’s lots of variety to work with. We make it with peaches and almonds, but if you prefer something else, just substitute. It’s a Caveman Snack of Deliciousness, because we’re pretty sure that a caveman would recognize it as food – yep, we’re sure. We asked Bob.

STEP 1: Baby Food
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Local Website Editor Reported Missing

A local St. Paul website editor has been reported missing, after a suspected revolt by his content contributors.

The family has requested that the editor be referred to by his pseudonym, “PedanticEric”, out of concern for his safety.

According to witnesses, a small group of individuals converged on PedanticEric’s house at approximately 2:00 a.m. on the morning of June 10th.

“It was terrible. They were all waving torches, pitchforks, and signs that said things like “NO MOAR SPELLCHEX”. One of them dumped a pile of high school English textbooks on PedanticEric’s lawn and started dousing it with lighter fluid,” was the report of PedanticEric’s neighbor, who wishes to remain anonymous.

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Blue Ball Snack Cakes

The perfect dessert for your next oppressed-housewife, lie-back-and-think-of-England, model-Stepford garden party.

The term “Blue balls” is thought to have originated in the U.S. around 1916, according to Wikipedia. Medically, the symptoms of blue balls consist exclusively of pain in the testicles, ranging in degree from dull aches to severe, caused by the buildup of fluid. Yes, you are actually causing pain with your frigidness. Don’t you feel good about yourself?

We here at BHT seized on the “Blue Balls” term as an excellent follow-up recipe to our highly successful “Twat Waffle”.  The classic Hostess Sno-Ball ™ seemed an ideal starting point to create our very own Blue Ball Snack Cake: a filled cupcake, frosted, and rolled in coconut (coconut not necessary if your fellow shaves).

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5 Steps to Eating Healthier

Before you start reading, notice that we didn’t title this article “5 Steps to Losing Weight”. That’s because here at BHT, we firmly believe that the healthiest way to live is to be comfortable with your own body, not to strive for a number that has nothing to do with how you yourself feel.

Enough with the feel-good shit. Let’s get with the program. Continue reading 5 Steps to Eating Healthier

The Idiot’s Guide to Herbs

(or, How to Spend $20 and Look Like a Kitchen God)

“A man can live on packaged food from here ‘til Judgment Day if he’s got enough rosemary.” –Shepherd Derrial Book, “Firefly”

If you’ve ever taken your courage in your hands and ventured into the baking aisle at your local grocery store – otherwise known as the domain of the PTA and of Church Basement Ladies – you’ve probably seen the overwhelming selection of spices. Intriguing, you think. Perhaps I should invest in some of these? Supposedly they make food taste good.

Used properly, herbs and spices are the key to unlocking the potential of your kitchen (and quite possibly, your girlfriend’s pants. Dude – seriously. If she thinks you can cook…need we continue?). Here, we present a list of 7 starter choices to begin your collection. You won’t stop here. Trust us – we know. Continue reading The Idiot’s Guide to Herbs

Creating the Perfect Pimp Pad

So, you’ve got it made. Your prostitution empire has expanded to the point where you’ve had to hire four accountants, six “administrative assistants”, eleven bodyguards, and a chauffeur named Stephen. Your bitches are the best-dressed, most professional, and most expensive in the entire city. So what’s left for you?

It’s time to turn your attention to your sweet crib. As the king of whores, it’s undeniable that you’ll be expected to throw epic parties full of hookers, blow, and music that vibrates the entire block. In this special feature, BHT will provide an explicit guide on fitting out your pimp pad to ensure you’ll impress everyone who crosses your threshold. Continue reading Creating the Perfect Pimp Pad

The Beginner’s Guide to Infusing Vodka

So, you’re tired of paying exorbitant prices for sugary, flavored vodka at the liquor store. Or maybe it’s not the pocketbook, but the palate that’s bothersome: out of the hundreds of flavors now commercially available, you just can’t find the right one. We understand! Bacon-lemon-basil vodka isn’t the easiest thing to come across. But fear not! The staff at BHT has put together this quick, easy guide to shoving whatever excites your tongue into a jar of spirits. Continue reading The Beginner’s Guide to Infusing Vodka

3 Ways to Reduce the Size of Your Douchebag

For those of you who thought this article was going to be about weight loss for your fat-ass significant other, we apologize. Actually, we don’t, since you don’t deserve it. Because – guess what –

YOU’RE THE DOUCHEBAG.

Sadly, our world is absolutely overflowing with douchebags. They’re everywhere. You not only are most likely one yourself, you probably know dozens, if not hundreds. Douchebags are the bank teller that smiles while she tells you your account is overdrafted by $800. They’re the kid that mows your lawn and accidentally runs over the hose without telling you about it. And finally, they’re the people – including you – who exhibit the behaviors below. Want to be a smaller douchebag? Then stop doing these three things. Continue reading 3 Ways to Reduce the Size of Your Douchebag

Wines, Part Two

In the second part of our series on wine, we’ll be examining white wine: providing a brief description of some of the more common varietals, as well as a few tips on with what to drink each type. [...]

Wines, Part One

Wine is even older than your mom, having been around since roughly 6000 B.C. and possibly earlier. [...]