May 13th, 2013
 God Hates Fans In November 2012 opponents of gay marriage tried to amend Minnesota’s Constitution in order to a ban it in the state, regardless of the fact that it was not legal at the time. The legislation was soundly defeated, and gay marriage supporters have used that momentum to attempt to legalize gay marriage in Minnesota, the 12th state to do so. On May 13th, 2013 the Senate voted to legalize gay marriage, with the governor promising to sign it May 14th.
Michele Bachmann, a Republican from Minnesota’s Sixth Congressional District, knew that disaster was coming. Since God does not want gays to marry because Reasons* she knew she had to prepare the population for God’s Wrath. Drawing from the popularity of Dan Savage’s “It Gets Better” campaign, which her husband follows closely, Bachmann is launching her own, the “It Gets Worse” Campaign. Continue reading Michele Bachmann (R-MN) Launches “It Gets Worse” Campaign
April 22nd, 2013
 Limbaugh wannabe On Monday, multiple explosions were set off at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. It wasn’t until later in the week that that the terrorists responsible were identified and removed from our streets. However facts were not needed for the newest race, the inaugural “Sprint of the Truthers.” It was started by Alex Jones, Infowars website conspiracy theorist and radio host. The T-Shirts are already being made, sloganed with “Boston TNT Party” and any other inflammatory slogans they can design which will bring him publicity and therefore, money.
Alex Jones sprang from the box on Monday suggesting that this event is just a “False Flag”* and that we should all now prepare for increased security and TSA searches. This double whammy added lengths to what he knew was a one-horse-race by trying to tie this tragedy into a topic already widely despised. However, he did not realize that no one pays attention to a race with only one prancing competitor.
Continue reading A New Race Started at the End of the Boston Marathon
March 25th, 2013
 A new Pope has been chosen, signaled by black smoke blown up our collective asses. Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina is now Pope Francis. The celebrations have been more widespread than for other Popes, as the relief at finding a replacement had a sense of urgency.
Misogynists worldwide feared that the absence of a Pope would allow women and homosexuals to take advantage of the Catholics’ lack of a leader. They were concerned that too many rights would be won, and that civilizations would fall. Priests were worried that they would have no one to cover up their crimes, so they even put off raping children for a few days.
Continue reading New Pope, Same as the Old Pope
December 3rd, 2012
  Figure 1: Nookie Monster Today’s World News story is part one of a two part expose on sex scandals in the puppet industry.
In November the famed voice of the Sesame Street character “Elmo,” Kevin Clash, was accused by model, hardened criminal and duckface extraordinaire Sheldon Stephens of having sex with Sheldon when he was a 16-year old. Now 23, Sheldon recanted his accusation a day later, then recanted his recanting a few days after that.
Two more young men are selling their stories to the media, but have not yet released the number of times they will recant. Detective Helen Nelosi assigned to the case states that there are “no indications that the allegations are fabricated.” Continue reading Puppet Sex Scandal Spreads
October 22nd, 2012
On November 6th, 2012 Minnesota voters will have the opportunity to change the state’s Constitution. The measure will be presented as:
Limiting the status of marriage to opposite sex couples.
“Recognition of Marriage Solely Between One Man and One Woman.”
- YES
- NO
Continue reading Understanding Minnesota’s Marriage Amendment
October 1st, 2012
 On November 6th, 2012, Minnesotans will vote whether to pass an amendment to amend Article VII, Section 1 of the Minnesota Constitution. The text of the question is as follows:
“Shall the Minnesota Constitution be amended to require all voters to present valid photo identification to vote and to require the state to provide free identification to eligible voters, effective July 1, 2013?” Yes/No
If the Voter ID Amendment passes, there will be many new trials to be passed and requirements that voters will need to meet. The most well-known are that voters would need to have a valid photo ID with their current address, and they must be registered prior to voting day in order for their vote to be counted. Continue reading Minnesota’s Proposed Voter ID Amendment
August 6th, 2012
 Plastic bag bans are popping up around the globe. The bans do not affect purchased bags like garbage and yard bags, but they instead ban the free plastic bags given out when one makes a purchase at a grocery or other retail store. In the United States, cities like Los Angeles and Seattle have complete bans. In May 2012 Hawaii was the first state to ban the bags outright. Other cities around the world from Mexico to Australia are enacting anti-bag laws. Bangladesh has banned them since 2002 when they found out bags were clogging drain systems and contributing to flooding.
Some places do not ban the bags but instead place a tax or fee on them. In Washington D.C., the $0.05 fee per plastic or paper bag resulted in a change from 22 million bags dispensed a month to 3 million. This reduced the build-up of bags in the Anacostia River by fifty percent. Continue reading Opponents of Plastic Bag Bans Gasping for Air
June 25th, 2012
 Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City recently proposed a law banning the sale of sugary drinks over sixteen ounces. The plan was universally celebrated by both the media and the public and is expected to pass unanimously. However the proposal has a 90-day discussion window, and Mayor Bloomberg had to find another soft vote-padding project besides twiddling his thumbs.
That sugary project to improving the health and safety of his constituents has been found. The mayor is expected to propose a law forbidding the sale of caffeinated food and drinks. “The war on drugs has been too lenient,” says Mayor Bloomberg, “most New Yorkers are drug addicts and it’s time to act. Have you seen how peppy and happy they all act? That’s not natural!” Continue reading Mayor Bloomberg’s New War on Personal Responsibility
May 21st, 2012
 It was a normal staff meeting for 34 year old Meg Carlson until the other office workers, some 30 years her senior, asked her what she did over the weekend. Meg gushed, “Played some old school videogames!” When she had to explain to the older workers what that meant, she said that some of the “old school games” she was playing were The Legend of Zelda and Super Mario Brothers series, which were from around the 1980′s and 90′s.
The mood of the room quickly soured. Continue reading “Old School” Comment Earns Sensitivity Training
May 14th, 2012
 The Tea Party thought it had succeeded against all odds when it bucked the Alice in Wonderland “Tea Party” comparison. However they are in an uproar this week as someone accidentally showed them why everyone else is greatly amused when they call themselves “Tea Baggers.”
Allison Homreker went into her seven-year-old son’s room to tell him that dinner was ready, and he was playing the Xbox 360 video game, Halo: Reach. “When I saw the title I knew it was the right game series with which to babysit my Joseph with its fundamental Christian values!” Continue reading Tea Party Discovers Meaning of “Tea Bagging”
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