Debut of CBS’ America’s Next Top Masturbator Marred By Absence of Top Contender

The Saturday night debut of the highly anticipated new CBS reality competition series America’s Next Top Masturbator hit a snag when it was announced that the favorite to win the Men’s Division, 16 yrs. old Thomas “Steel Wrist” Luchunhauser of Omaha, NE would miss at least one week’s taping do to being stuck to the couch in his parent’s basement.

The announcement was made on air by the show’s host, porn legend Ron Jeremy.   “I don’t know why it never occurred to us this could happen,” Jeremy said. “The dedication and passion Tom showed was beyond the pale.  Like any athlete, he trained rigorously, and that’s how we got to this situation.”  Producer Jeff Probst sighed then added, “I mean Jesus the kid bought Aveeno at Sam’s Club by the gallon!!  We must have been fucking blind or in denial or both!!!!!”

“We were fully prepped for what you’d expect from a solo sexual expo like this,” show physician Dr. Vincent Sabbireno added. “Friction burn, carpal tunnel, wrist and thumb sprains, tennis elbow, testicular and clitoral injuries, and every type of cut, scrape, and bruise you can think of.  Getting stuck to a piece of furniture wasn’t even in the top 20 of things that could happen; let alone so bad that the fire department had to be called in.   Fucking eh man what was he watching?!?!” Continue reading Debut of CBS’ America’s Next Top Masturbator Marred By Absence of Top Contender