Blue Ball Snack Cakes

The perfect dessert for your next oppressed-housewife, lie-back-and-think-of-England, model-Stepford garden party.

The term “Blue balls” is thought to have originated in the U.S. around 1916, according to Wikipedia. Medically, the symptoms of blue balls consist exclusively of pain in the testicles, ranging in degree from dull aches to severe, caused by the buildup of fluid. Yes, you are actually causing pain with your frigidness. Don’t you feel good about yourself?

We here at BHT seized on the “Blue Balls” term as an excellent follow-up recipe to our highly successful “Twat Waffle”.  The classic Hostess Sno-Ball ™ seemed an ideal starting point to create our very own Blue Ball Snack Cake: a filled cupcake, frosted, and rolled in coconut (coconut not necessary if your fellow shaves).

 

Ingredients you will need:

1 box of white cake mix, plus the ingredients called for on the package (usually eggs and oil)

Powdered sugar: close to a full bag

Milk or ½ and ½

3 sticks of butter

Food coloring: Red, yellow, and blue

Vanilla extract

Shortening

 

Process:

You’ll want to start with a simple cupcake as the base. We used a basic white cake mix: follow the directions on the package for mixing. Add about 75 drops of blue food coloring; this will give you a medium blue cupcake as shown below.

While the cupcakes cool, you can mix up your filling and frosting. The filling we used is a simple cream filling:

¼ cup butter

¼ cup shortening

2 cups powdered (confectioner’s) sugar

3 tablespoons milk

1 teaspoon vanilla

25 drops of blue food coloring

Beat the butter and shortening together until smooth. Gradually beat in the sugar; the consistency will be small pellets by the time you’re done, but it will smooth out as you add the milk and vanilla. Add a pinch of salt in to cut the sweetness. We worked on the assumption that you’re REALLY frigid, and you’ve rendering your gentleman well and truly blue-balled: the testicles themselves have turned blue. Add your blue food coloring to the filling also.

Once everything is mixed well, you’ll have a smooth blue cream that’s about the consistency of pudding. You’ll want some sort of bag to use for the filling process; if you don’t have a pastry bag to hand, you can make one with a quart-size Ziploc bag. Fill the bag with your cream, and then use scissors to snip a tiny piece of one bottom corner off. Start small and widen as necessary; err on the side of cutting too little, since the cupcakes are small.

By now, your cupcakes should be cool enough to work with. Use a paring knife to cut a small cone of cake out of the bottom of each cupcake. Trim this down to a disk. If you like, you can cut more out of the interior of the cupcake.

Once you’ve created the opening, use your bag to fill each cupcake.

After filling, seal the cupcake back up with the disk (use a small amount of filling as “glue”). The bottom of your cakes will look like this.

You can also use your paring knife to trim off the overflow edge of the cupcake top, to give the cakes a rounder shape.

The final step is to frost the cakes. If you like the taste of plastic, you can use a fondant frosting, which is a very smooth, hard frosting commonly used for complex decorating. We preferred a buttercream that’s actually edible. These cakes use a LOT of frosting; the recipe here is enough for about 12 cupcakes.  Most mixes make about 24 cupcakes, so double this recipe if you made a full batch.

1 cup butter

4 cups confectioner’s sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

3-4 tablespoons milk

Mix the butter till creamy. Gradually blend in the sugar. Add vanilla and milk. This is a similar process to making the filling, but the frosting will have a slightly different consistency.

We recommend frosting the sides of the cakes first, then the tops.

As a final garnish, you can top the cupcakes with coconut, colored to match your guy’s pubes. To make brown, mix equal parts of red, yellow, and blue food coloring.

The final product will look like this:

And we’re told, by the Resident Trollop’s fiance’s gaming group, that they actually taste good. Bon appetit!