This little snack is something fixed up by the Head Trollop, who eats it most days at work as a morning treat. It’s a mix of fruit, yogurt, and nuts, which means that there’s lots of variety to work with. We make it with peaches and almonds, but if you prefer something else, just substitute. It’s a Caveman Snack of Deliciousness, because we’re pretty sure that a caveman would recognize it as food – yep, we’re sure. We asked Bob.
STEP 1: Baby Food
Start by making a fruit puree. Get a bag of frozen fruit that you like (12-16 oz) and dump it in a pot. Add a couple tablespoons of water, and cook until the fruit defrosts. Pour the cooked fruit into a blender, and run the blender for a few seconds. Presto! Fruit puree. You should get something that’s about the consistency of applesauce, and this amount of puree will last you about five days. Store it in the refrigerator and it will stay fresh just fine.
Continue reading RECIPE: Super Awesome Caveman Snack of Deliciousness
The perfect dessert for your next oppressed-housewife, lie-back-and-think-of-England, model-Stepford garden party.
The term “Blue balls” is thought to have originated in the U.S. around 1916, according to Wikipedia. Medically, the symptoms of blue balls consist exclusively of pain in the testicles, ranging in degree from dull aches to severe, caused by the buildup of fluid. Yes, you are actually causing pain with your frigidness. Don’t you feel good about yourself?
We here at BHT seized on the “Blue Balls” term as an excellent follow-up recipe to our highly successful “Twat Waffle”. The classic Hostess Sno-Ball ™ seemed an ideal starting point to create our very own Blue Ball Snack Cake: a filled cupcake, frosted, and rolled in coconut (coconut not necessary if your fellow shaves).
Continue reading Blue Ball Snack Cakes
Before you start reading, notice that we didn’t title this article “5 Steps to Losing Weight”. That’s because here at BHT, we firmly believe that the healthiest way to live is to be comfortable with your own body, not to strive for a number that has nothing to do with how you yourself feel.
Enough with the feel-good shit. Let’s get with the program. Continue reading 5 Steps to Eating Healthier
(or, How to Spend $20 and Look Like a Kitchen God)
“A man can live on packaged food from here ‘til Judgment Day if he’s got enough rosemary.” –Shepherd Derrial Book, “Firefly”
If you’ve ever taken your courage in your hands and ventured into the baking aisle at your local grocery store – otherwise known as the domain of the PTA and of Church Basement Ladies – you’ve probably seen the overwhelming selection of spices. Intriguing, you think. Perhaps I should invest in some of these? Supposedly they make food taste good.
Used properly, herbs and spices are the key to unlocking the potential of your kitchen (and quite possibly, your girlfriend’s pants. Dude – seriously. If she thinks you can cook…need we continue?). Here, we present a list of 7 starter choices to begin your collection. You won’t stop here. Trust us – we know. Continue reading The Idiot’s Guide to Herbs
So, you’ve got it made. Your prostitution empire has expanded to the point where you’ve had to hire four accountants, six “administrative assistants”, eleven bodyguards, and a chauffeur named Stephen. Your bitches are the best-dressed, most professional, and most expensive in the entire city. So what’s left for you?
It’s time to turn your attention to your sweet crib. As the king of whores, it’s undeniable that you’ll be expected to throw epic parties full of hookers, blow, and music that vibrates the entire block. In this special feature, BHT will provide an explicit guide on fitting out your pimp pad to ensure you’ll impress everyone who crosses your threshold. Continue reading Creating the Perfect Pimp Pad
So, you’re tired of paying exorbitant prices for sugary, flavored vodka at the liquor store. Or maybe it’s not the pocketbook, but the palate that’s bothersome: out of the hundreds of flavors now commercially available, you just can’t find the right one. We understand! Bacon-lemon-basil vodka isn’t the easiest thing to come across. But fear not! The staff at BHT has put together this quick, easy guide to shoving whatever excites your tongue into a jar of spirits. Continue reading The Beginner’s Guide to Infusing Vodka
For those of you who thought this article was going to be about weight loss for your fat-ass significant other, we apologize. Actually, we don’t, since you don’t deserve it. Because – guess what –
YOU’RE THE DOUCHEBAG.
Sadly, our world is absolutely overflowing with douchebags. They’re everywhere. You not only are most likely one yourself, you probably know dozens, if not hundreds. Douchebags are the bank teller that smiles while she tells you your account is overdrafted by $800. They’re the kid that mows your lawn and accidentally runs over the hose without telling you about it. And finally, they’re the people – including you – who exhibit the behaviors below. Want to be a smaller douchebag? Then stop doing these three things. Continue reading 3 Ways to Reduce the Size of Your Douchebag
Welcome back. In the second part of our series on wine, we’ll be examining white wine: providing a brief description of some of the more common varietals, as well as a few tips on with what to drink each type.
Continue reading Wines, Part Two
Welcome back to BHT. This month, we’re beginning our to-be-determined-part series on wine! So all you uncultured twerps out there, listen up: if you know something about wine, you automatically look A) smarter, B) richer, and C) more sexually attractive. Really. We swear. Continue reading Wines, Part One
Ladies, let’s face it: Bras are not made for actual human beings. Does *anyone* know a woman that’s got more than one bra which fits her perfectly and comfortably? We didn’t think so. Most of us, sadly, are reduced to finding one bra that works and STICKING WITH IT. Achieving comfort is difficult enough, so how can we even think about maximizing the appeal of our milk-melons?
Well, we here at BHT went on a search. We thoroughly combed the Internet for the best tips and guidelines on finding a bra that fits well. After that, we asked the biggest sluts we know (read: next cubicle over) about how they get their awesome lift and perfect boobage appeal.
Continue reading Tit-Harnessing: Perfectly Cupping the Bazooms