February 24th, 2013
 Today’s article will be my live reactions to last night’s Oscar telecast. If you missed it, I hope that you’ll feel like you were there.
6:17 - We are seventeen minutes into the pre-show and I’ve learned that Kisten Chenoweth is 4’11″ tall. I still don’t know who she is but damn is she short.
6:27 – Every time I see another trailer for Jack the Giant Killer, I’m less interested in seeing the film.
6:32 – They just introduced the “handsome” Joseph Gordon Levitt. Well thank goodness they found the handsome one. It would have a been a real challenge to think up a descriptor if the ugly one had shown up.
6:39 – The Oscar mystery game is quite possibly the least interesting thing about the Oscars except the short subject awards. Whoever thought that up has never been nominated for an Oscar and never will.
Continue reading Oscars — BAH!
February 11th, 2013
 Movie award season is in full swing, my friends. The Oscar nominations are in. The Golden Globes are already doubling as hat stands.
And this weekend, they handed out the BAFTAs! I gotta say that I love the BAFTAs. Specifically, I love saying “BAFTA.”
Try it. Say “BAFTA.” Now shout it!
Wasn’t that awesome?
It sounds a little bit like a sound effect from the 1960′s Batman TV show. I think about Batman and the Joker facing off and Batman says “there will be no escape for you this time, Joker!” The Joker laughs (because he’s the Joker and that’s what the Joker does) and then he says “Oh you think so, bat breath? Think again!” And then he laughs again. Because he’s the Joker.
Continue reading Bam! It’s the BAFTAs!
January 28th, 2013
 Hey there movie fans! The Oscar nominations came out a couple of weeks ago and I finally sobered up long enough to read over the nominees and offer you my thoughts. Unlike most years, I’ve actually seen a lot of the movies nominated in some of these categeories and so I feel more qualified than usual to bitch about the morons who nominate this shit. Let’s start with the top, shall we?
Best Picture
Holy fuck is this a depressing lot of movies. Is there a single movie in here that doesn’t involve major characters dying? Or being held hostage in Iran? Or being Silver Linings Playbook? Does the academy dislike cheerful people?
Speaking of cinematic death, let’s take a look at Quentin Tarantino for a moment, shall we? Do you think it is possible for the guy to make a movie that doesn’t kill off half of his cast? I don’t want to psychoanalyze the guy but doesn’t he seem a bit sociopathic? I’m pretty sure that every time he announces another film, the stock of every fake blood manufacturer goes up at least a couple of points.
Here’s a challenge for you, Quentin: make a movie in which nobody dies. There are a lot of great movies in which nobody dies. You could make one of those, you know. I love your movies but are you really stretching yourself in Django Unchained? The pile of corpses in that one is pretty impressive. But then, an impressive pile of corpses is nothing new from you, is it?
Continue reading It’s Time for the Oscars — Who cares?
December 31st, 2012
 Boy, doesn’t he look like a smug fuck? We’ve reached the time of the year where most movie writers as important as me are compiling their top ten lists for 2012. They know the movie going public is anxiously waiting to find out what the best films of the year are so they can stop wasting their money on shitty movies and spend the month of January watching all the good ones they missed in the theatre.
I am far too lazy for that. Instead, my top ten list is going to be the IMDB list of the top Ten Grossing Films of 2012, along with my oh so important commentary on those films. The difference between this list and other top ten lists is that I’ll be making a list of movies you’ve actually seen. Or at least movies you’ve heard of.
So, it’s time to get to the list. My top ten films of 2012 are:
Continue reading 2012 — A Movie year in Review
December 17th, 2012
 When Peter Jackson decided to shoot The Hobbit at 48 Frames Per Second, he had no idea that his decision would lead to the tragic deaths of hundreds of nerds when rioting broke out. What began as a simple argument over the plusses and minuses of 48 vs. 24 fps rapidly escalated into a full scale battles complete with hand crafted armor, Dwarven battle cries and at least 78 confirmed replicas of Bilbo Baggins’ sword, Sting.
Rioting was confirmed world wide as advocates of the new technology taunted the traditionalists (whom they called “24 effing pee pee’s”) for their failure to appreciate the crystal clear resolution and stunning special effects. For their part, the traditionalists argued that the “Jackson-offs” (a not so subtle suggestion that the lovers of 48 fps were only fans because they believe Peter Jackson can do no wrong) were ignoring special effects that looked horrible and make-up that was not good enough for the high resolution.
Had the argument stopped there, it seems likely that many nerds would have been able to return to their parents’ basements without much more than a bruised ego. Unfortunately, the advocates of 24 fps chose to expand their criticism of the film to such taboo subjects as the appropriateness of the scenes with Radagast the Brown.
Continue reading Hundreds of Nerds dead as a Result of Hobbit Frame Rate Riots
November 26th, 2012
 This weekend’s modest box office success of Red Dawn has studio executives asking themselves what they can possibly do in 20 years when it is time to re-make the movie again.
Sony Executive Doug Birnbaum notes that in the 80′s, the Russians were a natural enemy. ”That was a slam dunk,” he laughs while smoking a cigar he insists is “not Cuban.”
“It was a cinch to portray the Russians as evil,” Birnbaum continues. ”We’d been in a cold war since World War II and we didn’t know a fucking thing about them. You can’t do that with the Chinese these days. Sure, they’re communists but their society is mostly open. And we sell a lot of American movies over there.”
Continue reading Hollywood Considers Options for Next Remake of “Red Dawn”
November 12th, 2012
 Lost amidst all of the talk of the huge financial success of Skyfall is the nearly unanimous declaration of Daniel Craig as having the most amazing ass of any actor to play Bond. Easily passing former favorite George Lazenby, Craig’s ass has been described as “fine” by over 98% of the women who have seen his movies.
While not did not do as strongly with men, 67% of males polled did admit that Craigs ass was “pretty nice.” Another 20% insisted that they “never noticed” his ass. ”Seriously,” they said, “that sort of thing doesn’t interest me at all.”
They went on to say “sure, his abs are nice. I mean, who wouldn’t want those abs? But his ass? No. I never noticed his ass. Not once.”
Craig’s ass actually has it’s own Facebook page, something that cannot be said of the tush of Pierce Brosnan or Roger Moore.
Continue reading Movie Viewers agree Daniel Craig has the Best Ass of any Bond
November 5th, 2012
 Flight, starring Denzel Washington as alcoholic pilot Whip Whitaker has been receiving mostly rave reviews by critics. Pilots, however, have strongly objected to Washington’s performance. They claim his depiction is ham acting at it’s worst and it doesn’t even begin to capture the challenges of being a pilot with a drinking problem.
“They call his performance brave,” scoffed long time American Airlines pilot Buzzsaw Burtaph, downing a double gin & tonic as if it were a glass of water, “you want to see brave? Try landing a 747 at Dulles International on three hours’ sleep and six margaritas. That’s fucking brave!”
Continue reading Pilots Angered at the Depiction of Alcoholic Pilot in “Flight”
October 29th, 2012
 Oscar season is on us, my friends. With it comes intelligent films like Cloud Atlas and Argo, great movies that will gather fantastic reviews by critics but will inevitably be passed over by moviegoers in favor of films like Paranormal Activity 4.
As audiences continue to wait anxiously for the next installment in the Transformers franchise, ready to watch the movie two or even three times on opening weekend, they will ignore films by Steven Spielberg, Martin Scorsese and The Coen Brothers because of their conspicuous lack of Megan Fox. While many industry analysts expect The Hobbit to buck the trend by being both financially successful and quite good, they stress that this is far from a common scenario.
“I mean, we all expected The Avengers to make ass-tons of money,” admits industry insider Charlie Bibnick,”but it was really too much to expect that it would also be fucking awesome.”
Continue reading End of the Year Heralds Arrival of Good Movies Nobody Wants to See
October 22nd, 2012
 As the Vilification Tennis movie guy, my job is to watch movies and write about them. By any measure, it’s a cushy fucking job.
This month, my job was to go and watch Sinister, a new horror film directed by Scott Derickson, and written by Derickson and friend of Vilification Tennis, C. Robert Cargill. I was pretty excited to see the film. Until I watched the trailer.
Continue reading The Idea of “Sinister” Scared the Crap out of Me
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