December Whoroscopes

Mazel tov! Merry Crimbo! Feliz Robonukkah! It’s December, and that means yet another Very Special Edition of my whoroscopes. I have spent long hours drunk on egg nog, gazing into the void of time and space to receive the cosmic messages that provide me with your futures. Sure, let’s go with that.

ARIES  3/21 – 4/19
When dining with family, do not eat anything your cousin has prepared. She never washes her hands. Also, she wants to kill you.

TAURUS  4/20 – 5/20
Santa can’t bring you what you asked him for this year because Santa doesn’t perform abortions. (Anymore.)

GEMINI  5/21 – 6/20
You will fruitlessly wonder why all the December holidays involve candles while you sit in the burn unit of the emergency room, covered in wet gauze.

CANCER  6/21 – 7/22
Oh Hanukkah oh Hanukkah, come light the menorah! You bring the cocaine and I’ll book the whore-ah. Unless your family does things differently?

LEO  7/23 – 8/22
At the winter solstice, we celebrate the rebirth of the sun. Someone in your coven will not have showered properly at your celebration. Just kidding. None of them will have.

VIRGO  8/23 – 9/22
You will get so drunk at the office Christmas party that you loudly wish your Mexican co-worker Jesus a happy birthday, over and over. His name is Carlos. You will be fired.

LIBRA  9/23 – 10/22
The stockings you’ve hung by the chimney with care will burst into flame when nobody’s there. Turns out aerosol hairspray isn’t such a great stocking stuffer if you keep your gas fireplace lit all goddamned day.

SCORPIO  10/23 – 11/21
Visions of sugarplums dancing through your head is actually a warning sign of major psychosis. Which is what your family will all say to one another as you’re admitted to the hospital.

SAGITTARIUS  11/22 – 12/21
Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings, and a Salvation Army kettle ringer gets herpes from the dollar you handed her.

CAPRICORN  12/22 – 1/19
The holidays are a time for family togetherness, long conversations, and sneaking off to the garage to smoke pot so you can deal with the first two things. Thank you, Febreze.

AQUARIUS  1/20 – 2/18
If you could have one wish for the holidays, it would be for a video of all the children of the world holding hands and singing a song of peace and joy, right as one of ‘em gets kicked in the nuts on camera. I love the internet.

PISCES  2/19 – 3/20
The thing is, Pisces, you’re always at the bottom of the list. By the time I get to you, I’m sick of making these up deciphering the stars’ intentions. So this month, I’m just going to say I sincerely hope you have a lot of holiday joy in your life. Oh, and tits. Big, bouncy tits.

November Whoroscopes

The mystical spheres would like me to present you with these Very Special Thanksgiving Whoroscopes. Enjoy.

ARIES 3/21 – 4/19
Be thankful your father always kept the gun cleaned and well-oiled. You’ll be grateful for the smooth mechanics when you take out that meth-crazed hooker.

TAURUS 4/20 – 5/20
You will be thankful when you see a snooty teenaged girl wearing leggings as pants get trampled on Black Friday. (She’s fine, whatever.)

GEMINI 5/21 – 6/20
Give thanks on Wednesday when your second flight is canceled and you can’t go visit your alcoholic parents for Thanksgiving, forcing you to sleep in a swank hotel on the airline’s dime.

CANCER 6/21 – 7/22
You are always thankful for your loving family, loyal friends, a plentiful meal, and your girlfriend’s period. High five!

LEO 7/23 – 8/22
Be thankful that your gross incompetence at work will yet again go unnoticed, despite your poor attitude and constant mistakes.

VIRGO 8/23 – 9/22
You will be thankful for that crawl space in your basement. Look, I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Just trust me. And buy some bricks.

LIBRA 9/23 – 10/22
Give thanks for lubricant when you go to work on Thanksgiving Day. Without it, filming “Pornucopia II: Completely Stuffed” would be difficult.

SCORPIO 10/23 – 11/21
You will be thankful for stomach pumps when you end up in the emergency room on Thanksgiving. Turns out you shouldn’t soak poultry in bleach. Who knew?

SAGITTARIUS 11/22 – 12/21
Be thankful for birthday sex. What’s that? You won’t be getting birthday sex? Because no one wants to look at you, let alone touch you? Well, that makes sense.

CAPRICORN 12/22 – 1/19
You will give thanks for stairs, because your wheelchair-bound grandmother is a total cunt.

AQUARIUS 1/20 – 2/18
You will be thankful for the completely vegetarian Thanksgiving that you demanded and everyone was totally happy to prepare for you and you didn’t whine about at all over the last seven months.

PISCES 2/19 – 3/20
When you look at your life, you feel very thankful. After all, they aren’t on to you. Yet.

Vilification Tennis Partnering with Fearless Comedy Productions

If you are one a regular visitor to our site, you may have noticed a new button saying we are “proudly partnered with Fearless.”

While you all know that button is bullshit because we have no pride, we are still happy to be a partner of this new comedy company.   The company was founded by several members of the Vilification Tennis cast and will feature original productions as well as partner events that are all about creating comedy that is Fearless.

Like insult shows that make fun of the holocaust.

The web site will get a full launch this weekend (November 2nd & 3rd) and there will be a lot more information about partner events and upcoming Fearless productions.

Until then, you can click on the button and watch our countdown clock.  It beats working!

October Whoroscopes

It’s time for a special Halloween edition of your Whoroscopes. OooooOoooOOOOooooOOoooh, I’m making spooky noises and stuff.

ARIES 3/21 – 4/19
This Halloween will prove detrimental to your health. I don’t know the specifics, but I guarantee you will not be healthy after Halloween. Maybe you’ll be hit by a car while you cross the street because of your idiotic Sexy Black Cat costume. Maybe you’ll be beaten to death because of your idiotic Sexy Black-Face costume. Who can say?

TAURUS 4/20 – 5/20
You may not realize this, but I, Madame Meretrix, am a Taurus, so I have a direct line on this particular future. This Halloween will be The Halloween Of Too Many Parties. It will also be The Halloween Of No Panties. And you are going to be druuuuunk.

GEMINI 5/21 – 6/20
Your sign means the twins. I bet you think I’m going to make some reference to you being in a couples costume, or dressing like a famous twin. But I’m not, because your twin died in the womb. So, I guess you could go as a dead fetus and say, “I’m a realistic interpretation of my astrological sign!” Chicks dig that.

CANCER 6/21 – 7/22
You will get lazy this Halloween and decide to wear one of those “This Is My Costume” t-shirts that everyone finds SO hilarious. Then you’ll get mugged on your way to the party and the blood pouring down your face will *actually be your costume, along with your blood-stained, torn, hilarious t-shirt.

LEO 7/23 – 8/22
You will have the worst Halloween yet when your significant other dumps you the night of a party and you have to go dressed as the front half of a horse. Hey, at least the horse head will hide your tears. You should change the original plan and wear some pants, though.

VIRGO 8/23 – 9/22
Trick or treat, Virgo! I have great news for you. This Halloween, the stars will align and you will get laid! Ha, just kidding, no you won’t. See, that was a trick for you, but a treat for me. The look on your face was priceless.

LIBRA 9/23 – 10/22
There’s nothing scarier than a ghost on Halloween, which is good news for you, Libra, because you’re going to be dead by November 1st! You’ll literally be a ghost! Commitment to the bit is the mark of a true professional. Good for you.

SCORPIO 10/23 – 11/21
It’s your time to shine, Scorpio! Not only is it your birthday, you are a total slut who loves dressing up even sluttier on Halloween! I am really looking forward to your costume this year, so I have some suggestions: Slutty Oven Mitt. Slutty Milk Carton. Slutty Butcher Knife. Okay, so maybe I’m writing these in my kitchen.

SAGITTARIUS 11/22 – 12/21
Look, I’m still thinking of slutty costume ideas for Scorpio, so I’ll toss some sexy couples costumes your way. Sexy Bow and Sexy Arrow. Sexy Floss and Sexy Teeth. Sexy Horse and Sexy Catherine The Great. (Why? Oh, she fucked a horse. Did you not know that? I thought everyone knew that.)

CAPRICORN 12/22 – 1/19
Halloween will be the best holiday you’ve had yet this year! No car accidents, no zipper injuries, no crockpot explosions, and no secret half-brothers showing up at your mom’s house asking for money! It’s a Halloween miracle. Oh, but you’ll still have herpes, so don’t expect any changes on that front. Herpes is forever.

AQUARIUS 12/22 – 1/19
You’re a water sign, so it’s no surprise that you’ll enter a wet t-shirt contest at a bar on Halloween. The thing is, they aren’t having a wet t-shirt contest. Also, you’re just naked and pouring water on your chest. Also, no one is cheering, and your friends left a few minutes ago. So, maybe it’s time to stop doing shots, eh?

PISCES 2/19 – 3/20
You will encounter the wrath of the neighborhood children when you give out apples and travel-sized toothpaste on Halloween. Lucky for you, they are weak from malnutrition due to a diet of candy and McDonald’s and can’t throw those eggs very far.

September Whoroscopes

ARIES 3/21 – 4/19
Uranus is in your 1st House of Personality. Yep. You heard me. When you think personality this month, think about Uranus. Also, Venus is entering Leo and your 5th House of Romance, so you are teetering on a breakthrough when it comes to matters of the heart. You will be feeling quite attractive and will have no difficulty getting attention. Add that to the fiery Aries Full Moon at the end of the month, and brother, you’re in for an ass-banging the likes of which has not yet been experienced by man. Continue reading September Whoroscopes

August Whoroscopes

Aries 3/21 – 4/19
You will feel very frustrated in the middle of the month. I’m supposed to tell you it’s because of the Sun’s harsh rays stressing the intense Uranus-Pluto square, but it’s more likely because of your impending divorce. Not married? You will be. And then you’ll get divorced because of the goddamned Uranus-Pluto square. Also because of your alcoholism. Anything else you want to correct about your horoscope? Yeah, didn’t think so. Tell your wife I say “You’re totally getting away with it.” She’ll know what that means.

Taurus 4/20 – 5/20
Mercury is heading into your 5th House of Self-Expression, so buckle up, bitches, cos it’s about to get communicative up in here. Your mind is full of ideas that need to be shared. Saturn is in your 6th House of Work, and we all know Saturn is a total poonhound, so the only logical conclusion from these two “facts” is that you should tell your boss how much you want to fuck her. No, it’s cool. She’ll appreciate your bold honesty. Just show her this horoscope and tell her the planets told you to do it. Then get ready to clean out your desk!

Gemini 5/21 – 6/20
Geminis usually crave stability and constancy. I think. Fuck it, I’m not looking it up. They do. But sucks to be you, Gemini, because August is full of change and surprises because of the planets doing their usual planet bullshit. The Aquarius full moon at the start of August will make you daydream so much you forget to take care of business in the present moment. But then look out, because that old bastard Mercury is in retrograde, which causes you to suffer from a lack of preparation. I hope you like unplanned pregnancies!

Cancer 6/21 – 7/22
Did you know there’s a Blue Moon this month? It’s true, but apparently it has no astrological significance, which is fucking hilarious because everything else in the goddamned sky does. Anyway, this insignificant moon is in Pisces and occurs in your 9th House of Philosophy in a trine with Mars in Scorpio. According to the idiot who writes the “real” horoscopes, this is a perfect time for you to actualize one of your dreams. Make it the one where you’re naked in front of your kindergarten teacher and all your teeth fall out.

Leo 7/23 – 8/22
Listen, dude, you gotta narrow your focus. Shit’s about to get real in your 12th House of Privacy. You are struggling to advance your agenda all month, and it will take you until the end of August to realize that no one wants to join your weird band. Seriously, why would anyone want to mix dreampop with post-prog altcountry? That’s stupid. You’re stupid. Mars told me you’ve been a dick lately, too. Something about the alignment with Saturn making you recalcitrant at best. Jesus, is it that hard to just accept that you are generally undesirable because of who you are and what you’re like?

Virgo 8/23 – 9/22
Did you know Mercury is your ruling planet? Well, it is. That’s a true fact of science. It is turning direct this month, and when you add that to the Sun going into Virgo, you get a calm, confident, courageous little you all ready to take on the future and forget the past. See, life without drugs is totally fun, not awful like you expected. Although, it would obviously be even better with drugs. I mean, everything is, am I right? I bet you could think of three people off the top of your head that could sell you drugs right now! That’s because Mars is in your 3rd House of Information. Man, drugs are so fun. I don’t know why anyone would ever quit them.

Libra 9/23 – 10/22
I’m getting conflicting information from the stars about you. On the one hand, non-conformist Aquarius is in your 5th House of Love & Creativity. On the other, popular Venus is in your public 10th House. But you can’t be popular and non-conformist at the same time! Haven’t you ever seen a movie about high school? And then to make matters worse, Mercury is in Leo which makes you all flirty and clever and slutty. So it should be no surprise that your life gets melodramatic around the 17th. Don’t blame the Leo New Moon. It’s your fault for being such a chatty little whore.

Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21
Leo is occupying your 10th House of Career which will put you in the spotlight and in a role of leadership. You won’t want to take that role, because of Aquarius being an asshole. So you’ll try to duck all this new responsibility and when Mars enters Scorpio, you’ll start to complain about things to friends and family. Meanwhile, I’m writing this in a rest stop in Wisconsin and it smells like someone pissed from one corner of this bathroom to the next. My point is, we all have problems, so shut up and be glad you don’t have to write horoscopes for a website no one ever visits.

Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21
You have some loose ends that need tying up immediately, otherwise retrograding Mercury will do something and something bad might happen. Or something. It’s not too clear, mostly because it’s made up. Whatever, forget that part. What’s important is Pluto is squaring Uranus and when you add Venus to that you get a bunch of jealous controlling people trying to boss you around. But no one bosses you around, right? Right. So you show them. You show them all. By the way, Jupiter says buy a gun.

Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19
Money. It buys stuff. You like stuff, and you need money. Uranus will open your eyes to some financial opportunities, and enterprising Mars has partnered with the harmonious Moon to enlighten you regarding money matters. Things to consider doing to make money during this period: go to the casino, raise your blowjob rates, sell your blood, burn down your house for the insurance money, or fuck your way to a raise. You’ve earned it. Or, you will have. After the quid-pro-quo sex.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18
Have you been feeling at odds with people lately? (Don’t lie to me, yes you have. I’m all-seeing, motherfucker.) Well, all that will change when Mercury enters your 7th House of Others and his communicative ass makes you better at talking to other human beings as though you, too, were a human being. Immediately after that happens, the Leo New Moon will give you the confidence boost you have sorely been needing. Being confident and talkative sounds like a good future, right? Nope. You will ask that new girl from accounting if she’s pregnant, but she is not. Nice work, now she’s crying.

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20
Oh, Pisces. What the fuck are you doing? You are one whimsical bitch lately, and it’s all Neptune’s fault. Neptune is your ruling planet (which you should have guessed because it is so fucking obvious) and it’s smack in the middle of your 1st House of Personality. So you’re feeling pretty sure of yourself, and yourself is a make-believe-loving free spirit. Ugh. You’re exhausting everyone around you with your puddle splashing and feather vests and quirky jewelry. I hate to even mention this, but you’ll soon be flooded with new spiritual insights thanks to Jupiter in your 12th House of Divinity. Great, you’ll be waxing poetic about energy and somehow become even less tolerable. Thanks a lot, Jupiter.

July Whoroscopes

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Look, the stars are telling me a whole lot of stupid shit about you. Jupiter and Pluto want you to forego interpersonal distractions and be responsible, and Mars is in your 7th House of Partnerships, so you should balance your desires with the needs of those close to you. Or you can tell everyone to go fuck themselves and continue being the selfish prick you have been since the day you learned to speak. Your call.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): There’s a Cancer New Moon coming up, and it’s going to square with Saturn. My mystical whatever tells me this means you should observe more and say less, because emotional restraint is required. So when you’re masturbating outside that girl’s bedroom window tonight, stop shouting racial slurs at the squirrels. You might piss off Saturn. Also, Uranus is erratic this month. It’s true. Also, I seriously needed to write that sentence.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Physical Mars has entered your 5th House of Love and Play. Yeah, he has. Got right up in there, didn’t he? He’s going to be there until August 23rd, so I hope you lubed up and are getting enough electrolytes. While all this is happening, Venus is doing something to your shit that will cause you to like other people more. I hope they like sloppy seconds, because Mars has already wrecked that. Yeah, Mars! Get some!

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Dude! Be careful! Mecury’s in retrograde right in the fucking middle of your 2nd House of Resources, and you will want to make an extravagant purchase. Probably you want to buy a car, or a sex swing, or a few ounces of something illegal. Don’t you fucking do it. Because Saturn demands increased self-discipline, on account of how it’s squaring off with the Sun and Moon. It’s a goddamned war zone up in the sky, and it’s all real and none of this is made up at all. Pinkie swear.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): There is going to be a tension-releasing opposition to rowdy Uranus this month, in your 12th House of Privacy. Thank fuck it’s not in your 11th House of Privacy, right? I mean, that’s where you keep all the dead hookers. You do not want tension release from Uranus in that room. Also, Jupiter is going to make you wax poetic about your life, and really think about the big questions. Like where else to store dead hookers.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Teamwork is critical this month for you, because the Sun is in your 11th House of Groups. And the Sun is like the boss of all the other planets, so stop being such a bitch at work. Also, no more of your lies, Virgo. Mercury’s in retrograde in your 12th House of Secrets, so it’s time to start sharing some truths about yourself. Either you tell everyone, or I will. And I’ll tell the Sun first, and then you’ll be in trouble.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Venus is dancing through Gemini right now, which just happens to be your 9th House of Adventure, and you will be privy to a parade of interesting shit. Like what, you ask? Who the fuck knows. Maybe it will have something to do with Mars and Neptune, and you’ll watch Total Recall with someone who smells like mildew and fish. I’m just a conduit for the stars, man. I’m not a fucking wizard.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Later this month, the Sun will be in Leo, which falls in your 10th House of Career. That’s going to make you feel all confident and bold, especially at work, and you may take on more obligations than you can handle. I’m telling you, it’s too soon for you to go DVDA. You need to work up to that sort of thing, you can’t just decide to do it on a whim. See also: my advice to Gemini about lube.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Calm down! Your temper is out of control due to Jupiter and Pluto being total assholes leading up to the Cancer New Moon. Not to mention your 11th House of Community (which is a real thing that I didn’t make up at all) has Mars in it, which will make you feel like telling everyone to go fuck themselves. You need to be nice to your co-workers, because you never know who has a gun in her drawer for when writing the fucking horoscopes gets to be too much.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Major changes are in order for you this month. That old bastard Mercury is retrograding right in your 8th House of Deep Sharing, and it’s time to reassess your personal and financial situations. That special someone in your life might be extra needy because the Sun is in your 7th House of Partners. Seems like a dick move, making someone else feel needy because of your stupid House of Partners, but the Sun is the boss. And not a cool boss, who doesn’t care if you’re hungover. A prick boss who times your smoke breaks.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Mars is in Gemini and your 5th House of Romance. You’re going to be a flirty little slut all month. But Jupiter is going to make you take on way more than you should, so you’ll probably end up sitting on the sidewalk outside a bar crying into your cellphone about how Melissa was totally talking to Jim even though Jim swore to you he stopped talking to that nasty bitch when they broke up and it’s just not fair because he doesn’t ever take your feelings into account and just because you were flirting with other people doesn’t mean you are a whore.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Did you know you are ruled by Uranus? It’s turning backward in your 3rd House of Communication, and combined with the Moon squaring off with Pluto, shit’s about to get real. You’re going to be paranoid, volatile, and suspicious. You should definitely go through people’s text messages and look for what they really meant by what they said. That always leads to positive things. Also, you should start some internet fights with passive-aggressive posts on Facebook. Then email me the links. I love that shit.

June Whoroscopes

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): The moon is in Pisces, so if your vagina smells extra fishy, that’s why. What’s that? You don’t have a vagina? Then you should probably stop wasting that gynecologist’s time. You should also go wash your balls. Just trust me. You should.

 

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Mercury is in Cancer, which is also your Third House of Communication or some other made-up shit. So, uh, talk more, I guess. Call up that slut who was hitting on you at the bar last night. Maybe tell your parents you’re gay. Or not gay. Whichever applies.

 

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Every twelve years, expansive Jupiter visits your sign for a year. Or so I read on the idiotic horoscope site they make me look at. Jupiter is a gas giant, which must mean your propensity for flatulence will only increase this month. Buy flowers for anyone who goes down on you this year.

 

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Jupiter is entering your 12th House of Divinity, and multiple dudes are entering your mom. Coincidence? Yes, completely. I mean, your mom fucks lots of dudes, so I guess we could say it’s less coincidence and more inevitable that it would happen during this Jupiter bullshit.

 

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Have you been feeling strong love emotions about love and emotional stuff? That’s because your 5th House of Love just got polarized, son! Damn, are you gonna just take that? You going to let that Sagittarius full moon eclipse make you its bitch? You know what to do. Burn it down.

 

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Jupiter is in your 10th House of Career, so you should charge more for handjobs than your normal rate. Don’t try to pretend you aren’t a prostitute. I write horoscopes, I’m all-seeing and whatever. Also, I’ve been following you. Don’t get mad at me, blame whatever planet is in my 4th House of Stalking.

 

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): There’s a new moon on the 19th, and the hippie idiots who believe in this garbage say that will make you restless and non-committal. Yeah, the moon is doing that, not your alcoholism. Keep telling yourself that. Maybe go buy a crystal to help focus your chi. Or a bottle of tequila, you drunk.

 

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Right now, Venus is in your 8th House of Shared Resources. Shared resources like your dildo collection. Oh, you didn’t know your roommate takes those to work? Sorry. PS: I used to know a Scorpio girl, and she was a total cunt. So, I just don’t like you on face value.

 

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Mercury is making you super logical. Your brain will try to convince you that tattoo is a bad idea, but as an insult comedian, I beg you to ignore your killjoy brain. You can trust me. In fact, Saturn is telling me you should add something in Chinese to that design you’ve got planned. Maybe a tribal border, too.

 

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Your 12th House of Metaphysics (how many fucking Houses are there??) is going to be rattled by an eclipse or something, and that will make you question your faith and higher purpose. But you’ll get over it when you smoke that joint later, so don’t worry. Think about Uranus instead. Heh…Uranus.

 

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Mars is fucking up your shit, bro. It’s going to make you all aggressive and snotty. So I recommend you pick fights with strangers. After all, it’s not your fault, it’s that dickhole Mars orbiting all up in your business. Anyone who says otherwise should get stabbed.

 

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Your ruling planet is Jupiter. It’s doing some stuff in the sky, and so you can excuse your behavior by blathering about that. Apparently, on the Summer Solstice, you’re going to be horny as hell. I mean “passionate and romantic.” You’re gonna be passionate and romantic all over that dude’s face, you dirty slut. Get some!

Saturday Night Prom Photos

[fbphotos id=10150852579817832]

Friday Prom Night Photos

[fbphotos id=10150847393772832]