God Hates Fans
In November 2012 opponents of gay marriage tried to amend Minnesota’s Constitution in order to a ban it in the state, regardless of the fact that it was not legal at the time. The legislation was soundly defeated, and gay marriage supporters have used that momentum to attempt to legalize gay marriage in Minnesota, the 12th state to do so. On May 13th, 2013 the Senate voted to legalize gay marriage, with the governor promising to sign it May 14th.
Michele Bachmann, a Republican from Minnesota’s Sixth Congressional District, knew that disaster was coming. Since God does not want gays to marry because Reasons* she knew she had to prepare the population for God’s Wrath. Drawing from the popularity of Dan Savage’s “It Gets Better” campaign, which her husband follows closely, Bachmann is launching her own, the “It Gets Worse” Campaign. Continue reading Michele Bachmann (R-MN) Launches “It Gets Worse” Campaign
Throbbing Like Your Mom’s Herpes Sores
Minneapolis (AP) – This weekend Minnesotans endured nearly their third consecutive day of non-frigid temperatures, with clear skies and highs in the mid-70′s. Casualties were high as many, venturing watery-eyed from their darkened homes into the direct glare of sunlight, burst immediately into flame.
Complaints about the temperatures ran rampant, while some have already begun comparing this to the Great Drought of That One Week Last January When it Got Warm.
Not everyone was complaining about the weather, however. Climate-change denialists, for one group, were delighted about the abnormally-seasonal April temps.
“First George Soros and Al Gore made up ‘Global Warming,” said climate-change denier Anthony Watts, “then when we pointed out that snow still falls in the winter, they renamed it ‘Climate Change.’ Now that we’ve had several days of absolutely normal April weather that proves conclusively that the climate isn’t changing.”
Continue reading Minnesotans Bake in Heat Wave
On Monday, multiple explosions were set off at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. It wasn’t until later in the week that that the terrorists responsible were identified and removed from our streets. However facts were not needed for the newest race, the inaugural “Sprint of the Truthers.” It was started by Alex Jones, Infowars website conspiracy theorist and radio host. The T-Shirts are already being made, sloganed with “Boston TNT Party” and any other inflammatory slogans they can design which will bring him publicity and therefore, money.
Alex Jones sprang from the box on Monday suggesting that this event is just a “False Flag”* and that we should all now prepare for increased security and TSA searches. This double whammy added lengths to what he knew was a one-horse-race by trying to tie this tragedy into a topic already widely despised. However, he did not realize that no one pays attention to a race with only one prancing competitor.
Continue reading A New Race Started at the End of the Boston Marathon
Adam Baldwin as Jayne Cobb
Fox attempts crackdown on fan-made Jayne hats, millions die of laughter
Dear readers…ok seriously, I can’t keep a straight face as I’m typing this. Do I really need to finish this article? The headline says it all. This is a thing. This actually happened.
Eleven years after cancelling ‘Firefly,’ Fox has suddenly cracked down on etsy accounts and the like selling any lookalikes of beloved “public relations” specialist Jayne Cobb’s famous hat. These have been a common sight at cons, renaissance festivals, and pretty much anywhere where it’s cold for the last decade. This last month, out of nowhere, an officially licensed Jayne hat appeared on Thinkgeek.com as well as numerous cease and desist letters to any sellers of the sporty knitted cap. Continue reading Fox Cracks Down, Millions Die
The Voice of Reason
Steubenville, OH – The American satire industry reeled this week beneath the impact of issues surrounding the rape in Steubenville, Ohio, of an underage girl and the conviction of her rapists. Cynical career snark-meisters broke down in tears. Professional scandal-fabulists, including veterans of the Weekly World News and the British Daily Mail, were left slack-jawed before the reality of the scandals unfolding in a town becoming infamous for a longstanding culture of rape and rape-related coverups.
Weekly World News “Bat Boy”
Eddie Clontz, writer for a paper known for reporting on “Bat Boy” and Elvis clones, described panic in the offices of the Weekly World News. “We’d write a story about, I dunno, kids threatening the victim for making their football players look bad – and right before going to press we’re scooped by Reuters.” Clontz shakes his head. “Then we said, ‘Okay, how about we claim that CNN posted stories empathizing with the rapists.’ Well, first we found The Onion had already done that one in, like, 2007, but then that idiot Poppy Harlow over at CNN, actually goes and says it!” Clontz throws up his hands “We got NUTHIN’ now!”
Continue reading Satire in Crisis: Rape Reporting Defies Satire
A new Pope has been chosen, signaled by black smoke blown up our collective asses. Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina is now Pope Francis. The celebrations have been more widespread than for other Popes, as the relief at finding a replacement had a sense of urgency.
Misogynists worldwide feared that the absence of a Pope would allow women and homosexuals to take advantage of the Catholics’ lack of a leader. They were concerned that too many rights would be won, and that civilizations would fall. Priests were worried that they would have no one to cover up their crimes, so they even put off raping children for a few days.
Continue reading New Pope, Same as the Old Pope
Earth (AP) – A newly released study by scientists all over the globe has alarmed world leaders and shaken the confidence of the average person. In a joint conference from laboratories in Beijing, the United States, Paris, and Moscow, scientists predicted that within one hundred years, almost every person on the planet Earth will die.
“Clearly we are quite alarmed,” said Director-General Yves Demay of École Polytechnique. “By current estimates, we predict almost seven billion deaths will occur over the next century. That is a tragedy beyond comprehension.”
According to records produced as evidence by the coalition of scientists, billions have already died in the past century, and numbers are increasing. “In the year 1900, there were 1.65 billion people in the world,” noted Charles McMillan of Los Alamos National Laboratory, “As far as we can tell based on our studies, almost all of them have died.”
Continue reading Scientists Predict Billions Will Die
The President Describes a Confiscation in Chicago
Washington, D.C. – Responding to the tragic school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, U.S. President Barack Obama announced what gun-rights advocates and Obama critics have long feared: a joint US and United Nations task force to address the problem of gun violence in the United States.
“The problem is simple,” said the President before the assembled representatives to the United Nations. “America’s Second Amendment is clear: the right to bear arms shall not be infringed. Meanwhile, violent American men have been playing a game of ‘Whose Dick is Bigger,’ while treating their guns like an extension of their penises. But no more.”
“This new joint program, announced today between the UN and the United States, intends to confiscate those penises.”
Continue reading Obama, UN Conspire in Confiscation Scheme
Berea, OH – The tragic death of Cleveland Browns grounds crew member Eric Eucker here at the Browns’ Berea, Ohio training facility, on the same day as the nightmarish murder-suicide of Kasandra Perkins by Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher, has brought to light the dirty secret hidden by the bright lights of the National Football League: bullying.
Cursed with the last name “Belcher,” the linebacker was subject to an endless parade of locker room hijinks, from cruel nicknames like “Burper” and “Farter,” to having the word “Belcher” stitched humiliatingly across his official NFL jersey.
Eucker, meanwhile, was described by friends as a gentle man, kind, who cared about his friends and was firm in his faith. Obviously these behaviors prompted bullying from his football colleagues who label such sentiments ‘weak’ and even ‘feminine.’
“He was such a good man,” said one co-worker, “But these bastards kept tearing the bottom line off of the capital E on his name. It was hard to watch even though it did make me laugh.” Continue reading Rash of Suicides Highlights Problem of Bullying in NFL
The Face of Friendlier Shootings
Newtown, Conn – As the nation reels following the latest horrific mass shooting of more than two dozen victims, the National Rifle Association (NRA) has bravely stepped up to address the problem illustrated by these terrible stories in the press.
“Clearly things cannot go on as they have been,” said NRA spokesperson Andrew Arulanandam. “People are scared. They’re scared to go to the mall. They’re scared to send their kids to school. We at the NRA believe that it’s time to stop scaring Americans.”
With that the NRA rolled out its new name for what used to be called mass shootings:
“Second Amendment Freedom Sprees.”
Continue reading NRA Addresses “Mass Shootings.”