Shakopee, MN – We’re manly here at Vilification Tennis – even our women are manly. It takes manly men and manly women to hurl the kind of soul-scorching insults at each other that we do for the entertainment of the dust-choked masses at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival.
But more than dust is in the air at the RenFest this year – love has joined the powdered mouse droppings and quarry debris in the nose-blocking atmosphere of the Bear Stage. Misery loves company, and with multiple Vilifiers presently pursuing divorces we think everyone should have the chance to experience a cripplingly painful breakup! But to do that they have to get together first.
That’s why despite our manliness we were touched when we saw this ad in Minnesota Craigslist’s “Missed Connections”
Continue reading Love is in the Air at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival!
On July 30, 2013, many aspiring lawyers took the Bar Exam. A woman named Rosie Unriveted decided to try to get it out of the way early. On July 19th, she made it all the way past the bar and her momentum took her the rest of the way. Unfortunately, she was on a roller coaster at the time. Continue reading Obese Woman Passes the Bar Against All Odds
Actor Cory Monteith, 31, was found dead in a hotel room in Vancouver, British Columbia on July 13th 2013. The actor played the character “Finn Hudson” in the hit high school musical drama “Glee.” Continue reading US Government Strikes One of Its Drones
News of the death of Glee star Cory Monteith shocked his fans around the world. Fans expecting a fifth season of the show to begin soon have been left to wonder what will happen to their favorite show about a slew of singing teens.
Fortunately for those fans, Fox network executives have announced the show will go on. With an important twist.
“We’re looking at this as an opportunity,” Fox chairman Peter Rice stated in a press release Monday. “We will continue producing Glee, and it will be better than ever.”
It’s been no secret that Fox has been steadily losing hold of the coveted 18-24 demographic. Week after week, AMC’s series The Walking Dead has staked its claim on the youth market. Fox executives have taken notice. Continue reading Fox Execs Find it’s Prime Time to Nab Youth Market
God Hates Fans
In November 2012 opponents of gay marriage tried to amend Minnesota’s Constitution in order to a ban it in the state, regardless of the fact that it was not legal at the time. The legislation was soundly defeated, and gay marriage supporters have used that momentum to attempt to legalize gay marriage in Minnesota, the 12th state to do so. On May 13th, 2013 the Senate voted to legalize gay marriage, with the governor promising to sign it May 14th.
Michele Bachmann, a Republican from Minnesota’s Sixth Congressional District, knew that disaster was coming. Since God does not want gays to marry because Reasons* she knew she had to prepare the population for God’s Wrath. Drawing from the popularity of Dan Savage’s “It Gets Better” campaign, which her husband follows closely, Bachmann is launching her own, the “It Gets Worse” Campaign. Continue reading Michele Bachmann (R-MN) Launches “It Gets Worse” Campaign
Throbbing Like Your Mom’s Herpes Sores
Minneapolis (AP) – This weekend Minnesotans endured nearly their third consecutive day of non-frigid temperatures, with clear skies and highs in the mid-70′s. Casualties were high as many, venturing watery-eyed from their darkened homes into the direct glare of sunlight, burst immediately into flame.
Complaints about the temperatures ran rampant, while some have already begun comparing this to the Great Drought of That One Week Last January When it Got Warm.
Not everyone was complaining about the weather, however. Climate-change denialists, for one group, were delighted about the abnormally-seasonal April temps.
“First George Soros and Al Gore made up ‘Global Warming,” said climate-change denier Anthony Watts, “then when we pointed out that snow still falls in the winter, they renamed it ‘Climate Change.’ Now that we’ve had several days of absolutely normal April weather that proves conclusively that the climate isn’t changing.”
Continue reading Minnesotans Bake in Heat Wave
On Monday, multiple explosions were set off at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. It wasn’t until later in the week that that the terrorists responsible were identified and removed from our streets. However facts were not needed for the newest race, the inaugural “Sprint of the Truthers.” It was started by Alex Jones, Infowars website conspiracy theorist and radio host. The T-Shirts are already being made, sloganed with “Boston TNT Party” and any other inflammatory slogans they can design which will bring him publicity and therefore, money.
Alex Jones sprang from the box on Monday suggesting that this event is just a “False Flag”* and that we should all now prepare for increased security and TSA searches. This double whammy added lengths to what he knew was a one-horse-race by trying to tie this tragedy into a topic already widely despised. However, he did not realize that no one pays attention to a race with only one prancing competitor.
Continue reading A New Race Started at the End of the Boston Marathon
Adam Baldwin as Jayne Cobb
Fox attempts crackdown on fan-made Jayne hats, millions die of laughter
Dear readers…ok seriously, I can’t keep a straight face as I’m typing this. Do I really need to finish this article? The headline says it all. This is a thing. This actually happened.
Eleven years after cancelling ‘Firefly,’ Fox has suddenly cracked down on etsy accounts and the like selling any lookalikes of beloved “public relations” specialist Jayne Cobb’s famous hat. These have been a common sight at cons, renaissance festivals, and pretty much anywhere where it’s cold for the last decade. This last month, out of nowhere, an officially licensed Jayne hat appeared on Thinkgeek.com as well as numerous cease and desist letters to any sellers of the sporty knitted cap. Continue reading Fox Cracks Down, Millions Die
The Voice of Reason
Steubenville, OH – The American satire industry reeled this week beneath the impact of issues surrounding the rape in Steubenville, Ohio, of an underage girl and the conviction of her rapists. Cynical career snark-meisters broke down in tears. Professional scandal-fabulists, including veterans of the Weekly World News and the British Daily Mail, were left slack-jawed before the reality of the scandals unfolding in a town becoming infamous for a longstanding culture of rape and rape-related coverups.
Weekly World News “Bat Boy”
Eddie Clontz, writer for a paper known for reporting on “Bat Boy” and Elvis clones, described panic in the offices of the Weekly World News. “We’d write a story about, I dunno, kids threatening the victim for making their football players look bad – and right before going to press we’re scooped by Reuters.” Clontz shakes his head. “Then we said, ‘Okay, how about we claim that CNN posted stories empathizing with the rapists.’ Well, first we found The Onion had already done that one in, like, 2007, but then that idiot Poppy Harlow over at CNN, actually goes and says it!” Clontz throws up his hands “We got NUTHIN’ now!”
Continue reading Satire in Crisis: Rape Reporting Defies Satire
A new Pope has been chosen, signaled by black smoke blown up our collective asses. Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina is now Pope Francis. The celebrations have been more widespread than for other Popes, as the relief at finding a replacement had a sense of urgency.
Misogynists worldwide feared that the absence of a Pope would allow women and homosexuals to take advantage of the Catholics’ lack of a leader. They were concerned that too many rights would be won, and that civilizations would fall. Priests were worried that they would have no one to cover up their crimes, so they even put off raping children for a few days.
Continue reading New Pope, Same as the Old Pope