Dark Knight Rises is Not a Porno

Look folks, I’m not going to lie to you about this.  If you planned on going to The Dark Knight Rises with a box of Kleenex because you were under the impression that you’d be watching some white hot Christopher Nolan directed super hero porn, you are going to be pretty disappointed.

I know the title sounds like a porno title.  It sounds like you are going to be getting something like Edward Penishands or Prometheanus.

We have to remember, though, that Christopher Nolan did not direct the classic porno adaptation of Inception, Insertion.  

 

Nolan is not known as a porno director. Just because it seems like he named his most recent film after Batman’s erection does not mean you are going to get to see it.

I know what you want to see. You want to see Batman and Bane get into a long fight that evolves into a sexual encounter where they roughly remove each others clothing while kissing passionately.  Batman/Bruce Wayne grabs Bane’s ass and begins to stroke his…

Uh…did I say Bane? I meant Catwoman.

Never mind what I meant.  Batman is not getting a blow job from anyone in this film.  Catwoman never has hot lesbian sex with Poison Ivy that turns into a three way with Robin.

Not a single female character in the film spends any time masturbating in the shower.

Instead, you get dialogue and action. Exactly the sort of thing you’d expect from other Nolan films like Memento but nothing like what you’d expect from Mammarymento.  Nobody, and I mean nobody in the film is lactating.

Now I know that Nolan doesn’t tend to work in the porno genre so I should have been prepared.  I should have expected that even though the name of the film sounds like a boner reference, that isn’t the sort of thing Christpher Nolan tends to do.  The odds of seeing Christian Bale and Anne Hathaway engage in a lengthy BDSM play before an epic hardcore fuck session were, as it turns out, nonexistent.

I should have known they’d never rate that sort of thing PG-13.  Yes.  I should have known.

Did I like the non-porno film Christopher Nolan made?

Well yeah, I guess.

But I had to keep blowing my nose so nobody would ask me about the box of Kleenex.

Consider yourself forewarned.