The Saturday night debut of the highly anticipated new CBS reality competition series America’s Next Top Masturbator hit a snag when it was announced that the favorite to win the Men’s Division, 16 yrs. old Thomas “Steel Wrist” Luchunhauser of Omaha, NE would miss at least one week’s taping do to being stuck to the couch in his parent’s basement.
The announcement was made on air by the show’s host, porn legend Ron Jeremy. “I don’t know why it never occurred to us this could happen,” Jeremy said. “The dedication and passion Tom showed was beyond the pale. Like any athlete, he trained rigorously, and that’s how we got to this situation.” Producer Jeff Probst sighed then added, “I mean Jesus the kid bought Aveeno at Sam’s Club by the gallon!! We must have been fucking blind or in denial or both!!!!!”
“We were fully prepped for what you’d expect from a solo sexual expo like this,” show physician Dr. Vincent Sabbireno added. “Friction burn, carpal tunnel, wrist and thumb sprains, tennis elbow, testicular and clitoral injuries, and every type of cut, scrape, and bruise you can think of. Getting stuck to a piece of furniture wasn’t even in the top 20 of things that could happen; let alone so bad that the fire department had to be called in. Fucking eh man what was he watching?!?!”
On Tuesday afternoon at 3:21pm, Omaha Police were called to the Luchunhauser home. When they arrived they found Thomas in the basement on a couch his parents had bought at Sears some 15 years ago. He was naked below the waist; the floor was covered with empty Red Bull cans and pizza boxes. Near the television was the entire Girls of Double D series; all 30 volumes.
The first on the scene was Officer David Sanchez: “He informed us he was in the middle of Volume 23, a costume drama apparently, when he tried to get up for another beverage. He found he could not get up, almost like he had been super glued in place. Mr. Luchunhauser seemed to be oblivious to the 2 inch thick layer of semen on his lap and the surrounding area. It looked kind of like the frosting on a cinnamon roll, which I won’t be able to eat for a while.”
Firefighters attempted to pry him loose, but all attempts failed. Finally, Dow chemical was called in to use an experimental solvent (X3-74r) which softened the dried semen enough to free Luchunhauser. He was rushed to Nebraska-Omaha Medical Center where he was treated for abrasions on his thighs and crotch.
America’s Next Top Masturbator was intended to be the cornerstone of the new CBS Saturday night; anchoring a lineup that also includes Survivor: South Bronx and The Sephardic Price is Right.