Mazel tov! Merry Crimbo! Feliz Robonukkah! It’s December, and that means yet another Very Special Edition of my whoroscopes. I have spent long hours drunk on egg nog, gazing into the void of time and space to receive the cosmic messages that provide me with your futures. Sure, let’s go with that.
ARIES 3/21 – 4/19
When dining with family, do not eat anything your cousin has prepared. She never washes her hands. Also, she wants to kill you.
TAURUS 4/20 – 5/20
Santa can’t bring you what you asked him for this year because Santa doesn’t perform abortions. (Anymore.)
GEMINI 5/21 – 6/20
You will fruitlessly wonder why all the December holidays involve candles while you sit in the burn unit of the emergency room, covered in wet gauze.
CANCER 6/21 – 7/22
Oh Hanukkah oh Hanukkah, come light the menorah! You bring the cocaine and I’ll book the whore-ah. Unless your family does things differently?
LEO 7/23 – 8/22
At the winter solstice, we celebrate the rebirth of the sun. Someone in your coven will not have showered properly at your celebration. Just kidding. None of them will have.
VIRGO 8/23 – 9/22
You will get so drunk at the office Christmas party that you loudly wish your Mexican co-worker Jesus a happy birthday, over and over. His name is Carlos. You will be fired.
LIBRA 9/23 – 10/22
The stockings you’ve hung by the chimney with care will burst into flame when nobody’s there. Turns out aerosol hairspray isn’t such a great stocking stuffer if you keep your gas fireplace lit all goddamned day.
SCORPIO 10/23 – 11/21
Visions of sugarplums dancing through your head is actually a warning sign of major psychosis. Which is what your family will all say to one another as you’re admitted to the hospital.
SAGITTARIUS 11/22 – 12/21
Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings, and a Salvation Army kettle ringer gets herpes from the dollar you handed her.
CAPRICORN 12/22 – 1/19
The holidays are a time for family togetherness, long conversations, and sneaking off to the garage to smoke pot so you can deal with the first two things. Thank you, Febreze.
AQUARIUS 1/20 – 2/18
If you could have one wish for the holidays, it would be for a video of all the children of the world holding hands and singing a song of peace and joy, right as one of ‘em gets kicked in the nuts on camera. I love the internet.
PISCES 2/19 – 3/20
The thing is, Pisces, you’re always at the bottom of the list. By the time I get to you, I’m sick of
making these up deciphering the stars’ intentions. So this month, I’m just going to say I sincerely hope you have a lot of holiday joy in your life. Oh, and tits. Big, bouncy tits.