God Hates Fans

In November 2012 opponents of gay marriage tried to amend Minnesota’s Constitution in order to a ban it in the state, regardless of the fact that it was not legal at the time. The legislation was soundly defeated, [...]]]>  

God Hates Fans

In November 2012 opponents of gay marriage tried to amend Minnesota’s Constitution in order to a ban it in the state, regardless of the fact that it was not legal at the time. The legislation was soundly defeated, and gay marriage supporters have used that momentum to attempt to legalize gay marriage in Minnesota, the 12th state to do so. On May 13th, 2013 the Senate voted to legalize gay marriage, with the governor promising to sign it May 14th.

Michele Bachmann, a Republican from Minnesota’s Sixth Congressional District, knew that disaster was coming. Since God does not want gays to marry because Reasons* she knew she had to prepare the population for God’s Wrath. Drawing from the popularity of Dan Savage’s “It Gets Better” campaign, which her husband follows closely, Bachmann is launching her own, the “It Gets Worse” Campaign.

Noting that the United States has been judged twice on 9/11 (i.e. September 11th 2001 in New York and September 11th 2012 in Bengazi), Bachmann feels that September 11th, 2013 will result in another judgement due to gay marriage. She wishes to have Minnesotans tremble and give themselves to God so that they may be saved, despite legalizing gay marriage.

Where Dan Savage and his husband Terry Miller’s campaign focused on hope and love, Bachmann’s campaign is focusing on beloved hate and bigotry. Claiming that Christians were being repressed in not being allowed to repress others, Bachmann warned her fellow fundamentalists that “It Gets Worse!” She said that they may be forced to treat people that they don’t like as human beings, and that even women may one day be considered equal to men. These kind of changes make religious people uncomfortable, even if it means Michele Bachmann would be less of a hypocrite for being a woman in the political arena and public eye. So she will focus the campaign on God’s Wrath- fire and brimstone- to steer people away from her hypocrisy. From tornadoes to terrorism, it will “get worse” because Christians are not being allowed to oppress others for the good of us all.

Videos for the “It Gets Worse” campaign will soon show up on Bachmann’s YouTube channel, “MicheleGodmann.”

* Something about Women’s restroom sign plus Men’s restroom sign equals Baby changing table.

Minneapolis (AP) – This weekend Minnesotans endured nearly their third consecutive day of non-frigid temperatures, with clear skies and highs in the mid-70′s. Casualties were high as many, venturing watery-eyed from their darkened homes into [...]]]>

Throbbing Like Your Mom’s Herpes Sores

Minneapolis (AP) – This weekend Minnesotans endured nearly their third consecutive day of non-frigid temperatures, with clear skies and highs in the mid-70′s. Casualties were high as many, venturing watery-eyed from their darkened homes into the direct glare of sunlight, burst immediately into flame.

Complaints about the temperatures ran rampant, while some have already begun comparing this to the Great Drought of That One Week Last January When it Got Warm.

Not everyone was complaining about the weather, however. Climate-change denialists, for one group, were delighted about the abnormally-seasonal April temps.

“First George Soros and Al Gore made up ‘Global Warming,” said climate-change denier Anthony Watts, “then when we pointed out that snow still falls in the winter, they renamed it ‘Climate Change.’ Now that we’ve had several days of absolutely normal April weather that proves conclusively that the climate isn’t changing.”

Can Minnesotans survive until Wednesday?

Meanwhile there’s no let-up in sight for Minnesotans, with several more days of snow-free weather in the forecast before a possible re-emergence of snow at the end of the week.

“This is a real problem,” said boyish meteorologist Paul Douglas, “Minnesotans are a people best served cold. Sunlight and warm weather pose serious health risks, including fresh air inhalation, melanin darkening, and possible exercise.” But that’s not the worst of it, warned Douglas, “We’ve even seen cases of Vitamin D poisoning.”

Fortunately for Minnesota residents, sedentary habits and working conditions make weekday sunshine easier to endure. A recent survey found that over two thirds of all Minnesotans can go weeks at a time without ever seeing sunlight, simply by working too many hours and watching too much television.

Salvation in the form of clouds and snow are forecast for Wednesday of this week – here’s hoping Minnesota residents can survive the solar radiation until the return of the state’s customary chill overcast.

On Monday, multiple explosions were set off at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. It wasn’t until later in the week that that the terrorists responsible were identified and removed from our streets. However facts were [...]]]>

Limbaugh wannabe

On Monday, multiple explosions were set off at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. It wasn’t until later in the week that that the terrorists responsible were identified and removed from our streets. However facts were not needed for the newest race, the inaugural “Sprint of the Truthers.” It was started by Alex Jones, Infowars website conspiracy theorist and radio host. The T-Shirts are already being made, sloganed with “Boston TNT Party” and any other inflammatory slogans they can design which will bring him publicity and therefore, money.

Alex Jones sprang from the box on Monday suggesting that this event is just a “False Flag”* and that we should all now prepare for increased security and TSA searches. This double whammy added lengths to what he knew was a one-horse-race by trying to tie this tragedy into a topic already widely despised. However, he did not realize that no one pays attention to a race with only one prancing competitor.

Dan Bidondi was jealous of his co-conspirator from Infowars, who got so much attention but only from his own soapbox. Alex nudged Dan to get directly involved in the process, managing to troll the official news conference. Copying Alex’s material, he questioned whether this was a false flag in order to remove our civil liberties, which was recognized as a self-serving tantrum, and so Dan only made points for effort.

Flaunting that there was now another contender, Alex Jones tried to capitalize on his earlier success with the TSA by tying in another aspect of daily life. He fear mongered a stable lead by stating that these bombings mean that increased security will come to sporting events. That YOU attend! So don’t think you’re safe, Minneapolis, because you sometimes watch sports.

Alex Jones, convinced there was a conspiracy to keep him from winning the race despite the only other runner being his lackey, strode forward again! What staying power! However, he seemed to be running out of material. He repeated earlier claims that Aurora and Sandy Hook were proven conspiracies and that this was another. He told his followers that only HE told the truth, so not to pay attention to any other contenders.

Hearing that publicity was available because these “men” had now become household names, more mainstream news jumped into the race. Despite not being registered contenders, they were only in it for the exposure so they didn’t care that they weren’t supposed to be competing.The many errors and false accusations that followed made them pull even with Alex Jones almost immediately.

The New York Post (and many others) reported that being brown at the finish line made you a suspect, and many newspapers reported that suspects had been arrested days before they had even identified suspects.

CNN even ran a story about the many untrue stories that have gone viral. However, they gained many points in the race by refusing to acknowledge that many were spread by CNN.

Truthers descend upon the tragedy

There is a significant fanbase watching the race, but they are smaller and not as easily heard. Websites are afire with conspiracy theories, echoing “false flag” ideology and twisting unbelievable stories of callous conspiracy evil because there is no WAY this event can be taken at face value. Even the GOP is trying to find a way to blame Obama, and liberals are trying to figure out how they can squeeze more gun restrictions out of this incident. In the end, all we can count on is this race not having a finish line- and that it will be the only line not crossed.

* False Flag: the term originated from when a naval ship would fly the flag of a different country in order to attack a foe. The implication is that the United States government orchestrated this attack, pretending to be terrorists, in order to justify expanded security powers.

Steubenville, OH – The American satire industry reeled this week beneath the impact of issues surrounding the rape in Steubenville, Ohio, of an underage girl and the conviction of her rapists. Cynical career snark-meisters broke down in [...]]]>

The Voice of Reason

Steubenville, OH – The American satire industry reeled this week beneath the impact of issues surrounding the rape in Steubenville, Ohio, of an underage girl and the conviction of her rapists. Cynical career snark-meisters broke down in tears. Professional scandal-fabulists, including veterans of the Weekly World News and the British Daily Mail, were left slack-jawed before the reality of the scandals unfolding in a town becoming infamous for a longstanding culture of rape and rape-related coverups.

Weekly World News “Bat Boy”

Eddie Clontz, writer for a paper known for reporting on “Bat Boy” and Elvis clones, described panic in the offices of the Weekly World News. “We’d write a story about, I dunno, kids threatening the victim for making their football players look bad – and right before going to press we’re scooped by Reuters.” Clontz shakes his head. “Then we said, ‘Okay, how about we claim that CNN posted stories empathizing with the rapists.’ Well, first we found The Onion had already done that one in, like, 2007, but then that idiot Poppy Harlow over at CNN, actually goes and says it!” Clontz throws up his hands “We got NUTHIN’ now!”

Matters became even more complicated for satire writers when Steubenville native Traci Lords emerged as the voice of reason in this crisis. Lords was at the height of her popularity as a pornographic actress in the 1980′s when she was discovered to be underage, instantly transforming millions of innocently degenerate onanists into outright pedophiles. This dealt a heavy financial blow to the adult film industry at the time, which was forced to destroy millions of VHS tapes.

Allred and Lords on Piers Morgan

Lords’ revelation that both she and her mother were Steubenville rape survivors was made on the ‘Roseanne Barr Talk Live Radio Show,’ the very name of which resists all satire and can cause one’s ears to spontaneously bleed. Some hope emerged for satirists when Lords proved to be articulate, thoughtful, and empathetic – a satire-worthy contrast with flummoxed “mainstream” journalists who were apparently incapable of understanding how their rapist-friendly reporting was going wrong. As Lords proceeded to appear everywhere from the Piers Morgan Show to the Daily Telegraph of Australia, satirists eagerly resumed their work.

Unfortunately just as writers at The Onion and The Daily Currant were wrapping up pro-Lords satires Lords released the song “Stupidville” addressing the Steubenville issue. Self-importantly combining statistics, actors, news footage, the worldwide cyber hacking movement Anonymous, and Lords’ own execrable incantation, the song completely defies satirization.

WARNING: At the other end of this link Ms. Lords inadvisedly attempts to “sing.”

For the Weekly World News’s Clontz, it’s time to surrender. “Look,” he says over a cooling styrofoam cup of bad coffee, “Satire is about striking the flint of irony against the steel of hypocrisy and making a spark.” Clontz takes a mouthful of coffee and continues. “Steubenville and CNN and Roseanne Barr and porn actresses? It’s like the world is raining fucking gasoline on our heads in a lightning storm.” Clontz then rested his head in his arms and wept.

This reporter did not have the heart to inform the distraught Mr. Clontz of the case of Landen Gambill, who is suing the University of North Carolina for threatening to expel her for “intimidating” an unnamed rapist at the school by filing charges against him. It seems likely that satire may remain impossible for some time to come.

6:17  - We are seventeen minutes into the pre-show and I’ve learned that Kisten Chenoweth is 4’11″ [...]]]> Today’s article will be my live reactions to last night’s Oscar telecast.  If you missed it, I hope that you’ll feel like you were there.

6:17  - We are seventeen minutes into the pre-show and I’ve learned that Kisten Chenoweth is 4’11″ tall.  I still don’t know who she is but damn is she short.

6:27 – Every time I see another trailer for Jack the Giant Killer, I’m less interested in seeing the film.

6:32 – They just introduced the “handsome” Joseph Gordon Levitt.  Well thank goodness they found the handsome one.  It would have a been a real challenge to think up a descriptor if the ugly one had shown up.

6:39 – The Oscar mystery game is quite possibly the least interesting thing about the Oscars except the short subject awards.  Whoever thought that up has never been nominated for an Oscar and never will.

6:47 – I changed my mind.  I’m more interested in the short subjects.

6:50 – Holy fuck?  Hugh Jackman is Australian!  I thought Wolverine was a Canadian!

6:53 – Robert DeNiro is such a badass, he doesn’t even pretend to comb his hair.

6:58  - DeNiro is also apparently the only guy at the Oscars who remembered to shave before he got into the limo.

7:17 – Abraham Lincoln is from Britain? Holy fuck! Does that mean the civil war didn’t happen????

7:22 – Kristin Chenoweth just gave the show Producers a bottle of antacids in a moment that was probably conceived of by the Producers.  Ha ha!

7:28 – I’m pretty sure they stuck Anne Hathaway’s Oscar under her seat to save some time.

7:34 – It’s OK, you can make fun of Chris Brown.  He’s not there.

7:38 – Eight minutes in and Seth McFarlane is never going to host the Oscars again.

7:52 – Christoph Waltz is played off by the theme for E.T. Because um…..

8:00 – Oh fuck.  They let a guy wearing a kilt into the theatre.

8:08 – First a guy in a kilt and now a hippie wins an Oscar.

8:11 – Apparently, turning Mark Ruffalo into the hulk and creating a fucking helocarrier is less impressive than a CGI tiger.  Whatever.

8:27 – I’m pretty sure that Quentin Tarantino had an orgasm while Dame Shirley Bassey was singing.  I will pay one million dollars for a shot of his pants.

8:29 – Boy, I sure hope whoever edited together that lame-ass Bond tribute isn’t nominated for an Editing Oscar

8:42 – And we have a John Wilkes Booth joke!  Best Oscars Ever!

8:47 – They just gave an Oscar to white South Africans.  Wow have we come a long way since the 1980′s.

8:50 – Foreign film award. TLDW.

8:51 – (Amour wins Best Foreign laguage film) Well, guess who just lost the Oscar for Best Picture?

8:59 – This whole musical section is for the gays, right?

9:14 – Sound Effects editing was a TIE!  Most exciting thing that ever happened in this category!

9:17 – Apparently all sound effects editors have long, blonde hair.  It’s a glamour profession.

9:24 – And the Oscar for the most unsurprising award ever given at the Academey Awards goes to the 2013 award for Best Supporting Actress

9:25 – They just played Hathaway off to “The Godfather!” WTF????

9:33 – I like how they put all the nominees into a box so you can see the expressions on all the loser’s faces at once.

9:39 – Wow.  In the Bond theme throwdown, Adele just rolled over and showed Shirley Bassey her belly.

9:53 – It’s time for the the “oh shit, we’d better give an honorary Oscar to these guys before they die” segment of the show.

10:03 – Barbara Striesand has arrived to kick Seth McFarlane’s ass for the Jew jokes.

10:09 – Music awards continue to prove that Oscar voters know nothing about music.

10:19 – Someday Adele’s kid will hear the joke: “Your mom is so fat that she won an Oscar and a shit-ton of Grammies.”

10:23 – Charlize Theron and Dustin Hoffman stand next to each other and it looks like a Dwarf from The Hobbit standing next to Galadriel.

10:30 – Quentin Tarantino gets played off to “Gone With the Wind.” Ironically, his character Django went on to kill every character in “Gone With the Wind” right after Rhett walks out at the end of the film.

10:33 – Ang Lee thanks the movie god but tactfully does not specify if it is George Burns or Morgan Freeman.

10:35 – And Ang Lee walks back stage and immediately hands the Best Director trophy to Ben Affleck.  At least that is what would happen if he had any self respect.

10:43 – Jennifer Lawrence trips on the stairs and becomes the leading clip on all the next morning’s Oscar recaps.

10:45 – It appears Meryl Streep just scratched her butt.  The odds are very good that she will be nominated for an Oscar because that moment was so convincing.

10:49 – Daniel Day Lewis has the creepiest laugh in the history of Best Actor winners.  Sorry Jack Nicholson.

10:52 – And speaking of Jack Nicholson…here’s Michelle Obama!!!  WHAT????

10:57 – And Ben Affleck wins for best Dire….Picture.  Close enough, right?

11:00 – And now Ben Affleck has ensured that I will always associate Jennifer Garner with Iran. Fuck you Ben.