Hey there movie fans! The Oscar nominations came out a couple of weeks ago and I finally sobered up long enough to read over the nominees and offer you my thoughts. Unlike most years, I’ve actually seen a lot of the movies nominated in some of these categeories and so I feel more qualified than usual to bitch about the morons who nominate this shit. Let’s start with the top, shall we?
Holy fuck is this a depressing lot of movies. Is there a single movie in here that doesn’t involve major characters dying? Or being held hostage in Iran? Or being Silver Linings Playbook? Does the academy dislike cheerful people?
Speaking of cinematic death, let’s take a look at Quentin Tarantino for a moment, shall we? Do you think it is possible for the guy to make a movie that doesn’t kill off half of his cast? I don’t want to psychoanalyze the guy but doesn’t he seem a bit sociopathic? I’m pretty sure that every time he announces another film, the stock of every fake blood manufacturer goes up at least a couple of points.
Here’s a challenge for you, Quentin: make a movie in which nobody dies. There are a lot of great movies in which nobody dies. You could make one of those, you know. I love your movies but are you really stretching yourself in Django Unchained? The pile of corpses in that one is pretty impressive. But then, an impressive pile of corpses is nothing new from you, is it?
If Daniel Day-Lewis wins this award (and he probably will), he’s going to have a way better winning percentage than Meryl Streep. How do you think she feels about that. Do you think there’s a rumble coming?
Who wouldn’t want to see Streep and Day-Lewis hold an act-off, right? They could draw characters from a hat and be given five minutes to completely immerse themselves.
Me, I’d totally want to see Streep play a hunchbacked twelve year old who is a mathematical genius. I expect that Day-Lewis would defeat her with his uncanny portrayal of Lana Turner.
If Quvenczhane Wallis wins this award, the presenter will mispronounce her name twice!
Best Supporting Actor
Is it just me or is this a category filled with guys who have already won this award? Except Phillip Seymour Hoffman. He’s only won for Best Actor.
So who gives a fuck? Everybody in this category already has the hardware.
And they all secretly know that Javier Bardiem pantsed them in Skyfall. If the winner has any class, he’ll just give the statue to Bardiem.
Best Supporting Actress
Since everyone knows that Anne Hathaway is going to win this award, why didn’t they just nominate her five times? I’m tired of this charade.
I’m not a conspiracy theorist or anything, but I have to think that Steven Spielberg bribed people so they wouldn’t vote for Ben Affleck in this category. I mean, without Affleck, it’s pretty much Spielberg’s to lose, right?
He doesn’t seem like the sort of guy who is going to get caught in a drunken, racist tirade between now and the Oscar ceremony so after February 24th, he’ll probably have three times as many Oscars as Martin Scorsese.
Do you think he’ll call Scorsese and point that out? It’d be a dick move.
So yeah, I bet he does it. I totally would.
Best Everything Else
Nobody gives a shit about everything else. Except Best Animated Feature. That category is going to split the country into Frankenweenie and Brave factions. No matter who wins, things could get violent. I’d recommend staying inside for a few days after the ceremony. Just until things die down.