Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Look, the stars are telling me a whole lot of stupid shit about you. Jupiter and Pluto want you to forego interpersonal distractions and be responsible, and Mars is in your 7th House of Partnerships, so you should balance your desires with the needs of those close to you. Or you can tell everyone to go fuck themselves and continue being the selfish prick you have been since the day you learned to speak. Your call.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): There’s a Cancer New Moon coming up, and it’s going to square with Saturn. My mystical whatever tells me this means you should observe more and say less, because emotional restraint is required. So when you’re masturbating outside that girl’s bedroom window tonight, stop shouting racial slurs at the squirrels. You might piss off Saturn. Also, Uranus is erratic this month. It’s true. Also, I seriously needed to write that sentence.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Physical Mars has entered your 5th House of Love and Play. Yeah, he has. Got right up in there, didn’t he? He’s going to be there until August 23rd, so I hope you lubed up and are getting enough electrolytes. While all this is happening, Venus is doing something to your shit that will cause you to like other people more. I hope they like sloppy seconds, because Mars has already wrecked that. Yeah, Mars! Get some!
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Dude! Be careful! Mecury’s in retrograde right in the fucking middle of your 2nd House of Resources, and you will want to make an extravagant purchase. Probably you want to buy a car, or a sex swing, or a few ounces of something illegal. Don’t you fucking do it. Because Saturn demands increased self-discipline, on account of how it’s squaring off with the Sun and Moon. It’s a goddamned war zone up in the sky, and it’s all real and none of this is made up at all. Pinkie swear.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): There is going to be a tension-releasing opposition to rowdy Uranus this month, in your 12th House of Privacy. Thank fuck it’s not in your 11th House of Privacy, right? I mean, that’s where you keep all the dead hookers. You do not want tension release from Uranus in that room. Also, Jupiter is going to make you wax poetic about your life, and really think about the big questions. Like where else to store dead hookers.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Teamwork is critical this month for you, because the Sun is in your 11th House of Groups. And the Sun is like the boss of all the other planets, so stop being such a bitch at work. Also, no more of your lies, Virgo. Mercury’s in retrograde in your 12th House of Secrets, so it’s time to start sharing some truths about yourself. Either you tell everyone, or I will. And I’ll tell the Sun first, and then you’ll be in trouble.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Venus is dancing through Gemini right now, which just happens to be your 9th House of Adventure, and you will be privy to a parade of interesting shit. Like what, you ask? Who the fuck knows. Maybe it will have something to do with Mars and Neptune, and you’ll watch Total Recall with someone who smells like mildew and fish. I’m just a conduit for the stars, man. I’m not a fucking wizard.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Later this month, the Sun will be in Leo, which falls in your 10th House of Career. That’s going to make you feel all confident and bold, especially at work, and you may take on more obligations than you can handle. I’m telling you, it’s too soon for you to go DVDA. You need to work up to that sort of thing, you can’t just decide to do it on a whim. See also: my advice to Gemini about lube.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Calm down! Your temper is out of control due to Jupiter and Pluto being total assholes leading up to the Cancer New Moon. Not to mention your 11th House of Community (which is a real thing that I didn’t make up at all) has Mars in it, which will make you feel like telling everyone to go fuck themselves. You need to be nice to your co-workers, because you never know who has a gun in her drawer for when writing the fucking horoscopes gets to be too much.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Major changes are in order for you this month. That old bastard Mercury is retrograding right in your 8th House of Deep Sharing, and it’s time to reassess your personal and financial situations. That special someone in your life might be extra needy because the Sun is in your 7th House of Partners. Seems like a dick move, making someone else feel needy because of your stupid House of Partners, but the Sun is the boss. And not a cool boss, who doesn’t care if you’re hungover. A prick boss who times your smoke breaks.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Mars is in Gemini and your 5th House of Romance. You’re going to be a flirty little slut all month. But Jupiter is going to make you take on way more than you should, so you’ll probably end up sitting on the sidewalk outside a bar crying into your cellphone about how Melissa was totally talking to Jim even though Jim swore to you he stopped talking to that nasty bitch when they broke up and it’s just not fair because he doesn’t ever take your feelings into account and just because you were flirting with other people doesn’t mean you are a whore.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Did you know you are ruled by Uranus? It’s turning backward in your 3rd House of Communication, and combined with the Moon squaring off with Pluto, shit’s about to get real. You’re going to be paranoid, volatile, and suspicious. You should definitely go through people’s text messages and look for what they really meant by what they said. That always leads to positive things. Also, you should start some internet fights with passive-aggressive posts on Facebook. Then email me the links. I love that shit.