In possibly the biggest public cornholing since the Nuremburg trials, Lance Armstrong is facing the revocation of all 7 of his Tour de France titles in light of dropping his fight against over a decade of doping accusations despite having passed hundreds of drug tests proving the contrary and doing it all after surviving testicular cancer. To fully ensure his life is completely destroyed, the US Anti-Doping Agency issued a statement Wednesday announcing they are also stripping Lance of his remaining testicle.
“We honestly just fucking hate this guy,” said CEO Travis Tygart, struggling with the sloshing weight of a full gas can as he messily poured the outline of a swastika into Armstrong’s front lawn. “Every once in a while the media just needs to destroy someone to remind the American people who’s in charge.” Tygart then nonchalantly flipped a lit zippo over his shoulder as the Third Reich’s reborn flames rocketed skyward. He was spotted minutes later walking out of Armstrong’s house with a pair of bloody hedge clippers.
Armstrong was unavailable for immediate comment, but was suddenly available for pole dancing. Tygart also stole his bike.