London, UK – A disheveled and harried-looking Matt Smith returned to London from America this week with a message for fans he met at the San Diego Comic Con (SDCC) and elsewhere: “Please stop trying to kill me.”
Smith, presently filming his third season in the long-running BBC series “Doctor Who,” was referring to several fans he encountered at SDCC who wanted photos with him “regenerating,” the method by which a mortally injured Time Lord such as Smith’s “Doctor” creates a new healthy body in order to avoid dying.
Several fans, apparently confusing the line between the actor and his character, attempted to trigger the flashy regeneration process for their own photos.
“It was madness,” said Smith, who was convalescing from a number of minor injuries, “I was signing autographs when a fan stabbed me in the back and shouted ‘Now!’ to his friend with the camera.”
Wincing at the memory, Smith continued, “I thought ‘Oh no, not again!’ Fortunately like most of my fans he was very weak and the injury was quite minor, but it was extremely rude and rather painful.”
SDCC officials were quick to defend their security measures. “Mr. Smith and the BBC agreed to our security practices well in advance of his appearances, and honestly there is only so much we can do. I mean, have you seen some of these people?” said an anonymous spokesperson, twirling one finger beside his temple. “Besides, we have our hands full trying to keep Adrianne Curry from flashing her cleavage. We have to focus our security efforts where it’s really important. I mean, what if she had a nip-slip?”
Largely abandoned by nipple-wary security, Smith was reduced to fighting off aggressive fans, at several points kicking armed attackers despite wearing skinny hipster jeans and ridiculous socks.
“That bit was brilliant, actually,” said Smith. “There was this one lass who came at me with a gun, I laid her out flat with one kick. Turned out to be a prop, but we shared a laugh when she came to and I signed her bandages.”
Meanwhile Smith has had to take his security into his own hands.
“I avoid the costume and dress in ridiculous outfits, like a vest and a white T-shirt with a bowler, in order to avoid being recognized,” Smith said, referring to his character’s trademark tweed coat, “but it wasn’t enough and fans still ran at me with axes while screaming ‘Regenerate!’”
In a white dress and earrings Smith twirls for inspection while saying, “So now I only go out dressed as a woman. It not only keeps me safe, but I’ve gotten in touch with my feminine side.”
In related news the BBC has announced that this season it will present the much-awaited “female Doctor.”