In a tragedy that made even Vilifiers cry, the hulking landmass, actor, and originator of the phrase “large and in charge” Michael Clark Duncan was tragically taken from this earth at the age of 54 following complications from a heart attack. As for what was actually able to mount such a large scale attack on his heart, police have no leads but several suspects in custody include a pack of velociraptors, the entire Spartan army, and God. Duncan enjoyed a bright acting career, and in his spare time enjoyed poetry, pasta, and being massive.
Following Duncan’s death, the US census bureau noted that in the absence of the 8’ 10” 720-pound meatbarge, the average size of African Americans in the US dropped as much as 14%, citing findings from the Federal Bureau of Following Minorities Around with Rulers, or FBFMAR, which apparently exists. Duncan will be buried at sea once a large enough sea is discovered.