Minnesotan Exodus to Uganda

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Kampala, Uganda – Fully committed to protecting their children from the dangers of homosexual marriage, hundreds of Minnesotans who supported the Marriage Amendment to the Minnesota state constitution began arriving in Kampala, Uganda to start a new life in Africa’s leading homosexuality-free haven.

“We’re serious about protecting our children from the dangers posed by homosexual marriage,” said Mark Hayes, formerly of Minneapolis. “Sure, the United States outranks Uganda by almost every measure,” he continued, “but I see that as an opportunity and a challenge.”

No sex toys in THAT load.

Roger and Liz O’Daniel arriving in homo-free Kampala

Creepy looking evangelical Brian Gehling and his stepford wife Janelle were also upbeat. “Uganda has lower obesity rates than the United States AND lower carbon emissions,” Brian noted, “but most importantly homosexuality is punishable by life imprisonment. If Janelle and I ever figure out how to have sex, this will be important for protecting our children.”

Popular in the showers

Not gay at all.

Minnesota native Matt Birk seemed excited to be abandoning his career as an NFL center to live in a country kept free of homosexuality through the use of lethal state force. “I prefer playing football to playing the victim,” he said, “but as a wealthy white Christian in America I was definitely the victim of intolerant people who would not tolerate my intolerance. I hope never to be victimized in that way again.”

Birk was then interrupted by Kampalan police authorities demanding to know what EXACTLY goes on between the center and the quarterback during a game of American football. He was last seen being helped into a van from the Kampalan Ministry of Police.