The mystical spheres would like me to present you with these Very Special Thanksgiving Whoroscopes. Enjoy.
ARIES 3/21 – 4/19
Be thankful your father always kept the gun cleaned and well-oiled. You’ll be grateful for the smooth mechanics when you take out that meth-crazed hooker.
TAURUS 4/20 – 5/20
You will be thankful when you see a snooty teenaged girl wearing leggings as pants get trampled on Black Friday. (She’s fine, whatever.)
GEMINI 5/21 – 6/20
Give thanks on Wednesday when your second flight is canceled and you can’t go visit your alcoholic parents for Thanksgiving, forcing you to sleep in a swank hotel on the airline’s dime.
CANCER 6/21 – 7/22
You are always thankful for your loving family, loyal friends, a plentiful meal, and your girlfriend’s period. High five!
LEO 7/23 – 8/22
Be thankful that your gross incompetence at work will yet again go unnoticed, despite your poor attitude and constant mistakes.
VIRGO 8/23 – 9/22
You will be thankful for that crawl space in your basement. Look, I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Just trust me. And buy some bricks.
LIBRA 9/23 – 10/22
Give thanks for lubricant when you go to work on Thanksgiving Day. Without it, filming “Pornucopia II: Completely Stuffed” would be difficult.
SCORPIO 10/23 – 11/21
You will be thankful for stomach pumps when you end up in the emergency room on Thanksgiving. Turns out you shouldn’t soak poultry in bleach. Who knew?
SAGITTARIUS 11/22 – 12/21
Be thankful for birthday sex. What’s that? You won’t be getting birthday sex? Because no one wants to look at you, let alone touch you? Well, that makes sense.
CAPRICORN 12/22 – 1/19
You will give thanks for stairs, because your wheelchair-bound grandmother is a total cunt.
AQUARIUS 1/20 – 2/18
You will be thankful for the completely vegetarian Thanksgiving that you demanded and everyone was totally happy to prepare for you and you didn’t whine about at all over the last seven months.
PISCES 2/19 – 3/20
When you look at your life, you feel very thankful. After all, they aren’t on to you. Yet.