NRA Addresses “Mass Shootings.”

Don't Blame Guns

The Face of Friendlier Shootings

Newtown, Conn – As the nation reels following the latest horrific mass shooting of more than two dozen victims, the National Rifle Association (NRA) has bravely stepped up to address the problem illustrated by these terrible stories in the press.

“Clearly things cannot go on as they have been,” said NRA spokesperson Andrew Arulanandam. “People are scared. They’re scared to go to the mall. They’re scared to send their kids to school. We at the NRA believe that it’s time to stop scaring Americans.”

With that the NRA rolled out its new name for what used to be called mass shootings:

“Second Amendment Freedom Sprees.”

Safety!

Featuring a specially licensed depiction of beloved Warner Bros. icon “Yosemite Sam,” the NRA is urging the mass media and its favorite political leaders to begin substituting “Second Amendment Freedom Spree” for the otherwise commonplace terms “mass shooting” or “mass murder.”

“We simply feel ‘Second Amendment Freedom Spree’ explains these events in a positive, upbeat fashion, without the emotionally-loaded language used by liberals and communists in their ongoing attempts to undermine our Second Amendment rights,” said Arulanandam. “And it’s a way to explain school shootings to children without being unnecessarily alarming, kind of like using term ‘the Birds and the Bees’ when explaining Catholic priests.”

To that end, the NRA is providing free pamphlets and videos entitled “What to Do in the Event of a Second Amendment Freedom Spree.”  Yosemite Sam offers such tips as “Now all-a-you skunks clear outta here!” and “Say yer prayers, varmint!”

“We hope that this new effort will help reduce the climate of fear fostered in this country by Second-Amendment-hating socialists and statistics-spouting anti-gun intellectuals,” said Arulanandam, “and make it easier to discuss policy issues surrounding Second Amendment Freedom Sprees, such as arming teachers, and arming students, and providing gun vending machines for students who may have left weapons or ammunition at home.”

The NRA is at work on its next plan to address the growing problem of Freedom Sprees nationwide, new kid-friendly terms for ‘killed,’ and ‘critically wounded.’