Washington, D.C. – Responding to the tragic school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, U.S. President Barack Obama announced what gun-rights advocates and Obama critics have long feared: a joint US and United Nations task force to address the problem of gun violence in the United States.
“The problem is simple,” said the President before the assembled representatives to the United Nations. “America’s Second Amendment is clear: the right to bear arms shall not be infringed. Meanwhile, violent American men have been playing a game of ‘Whose Dick is Bigger,’ while treating their guns like an extension of their penises. But no more.”
“This new joint program, announced today between the UN and the United States, intends to confiscate those penises.”
“Let me be clear,” the President continued. “If you’re a law-abiding gun owner, you will be allowed to keep those guns. If you have a semi-automatic rifle, like the one used in the Sandy Hook School shooting, you will be allowed to keep that Bushmaster. But you will no longer be the master of bush.”
As the President spoke, silent black helicopters were deploying all across the United States, placing the plan into immediate operation. Despite initial concerns, little resistance was encountered.
“We’re encouraged, but not entirely surprised at the initial results,” said Minneapolis FBI spokesperson Kyle Loven. “We begin by saturating the area with pamphlets and audio announcements describing the plan. Once the gun owners realize that we’re only here for their penises their stiff resistance goes limp.”
According to material distributed by the White House and the United Nations, every gun owner receives a receipt for their penis, which is then kept frozen in liquid nitrogen at regional storehouses.
“We will care for these penises as if they were our own,” said William Minogue, MD, head of one of many new Federal tissue banks. “We respect the duty which we have been given. Most of these penises are in excellent shape. They have not been used much, and have been kept well-polished. Their owners will get them back in just as good condition.”
Any gun owner who wishes to have his penis back, even temporarily, needs only bring in his receipt along with his arsenal of weapons for deposit. Gun owners can exchange their guns and penises as many times as they wish, free of charge, for as long as they desire.
“By means of this ingenious plan we honor the intent of the Second Amendment, while taking into account the reality of weapons whose lethality would have been unimaginable in the era of wooden teeth and slave mistresses,” concluded Obama. “By keeping guns and gonads segregated we hope to pay for this program simply with the additional tax revenues paid by citizens who won’t be dead due to gun violence.”
The program itself was not without critics. House Minority leader Republican John Boehner was quick to point out that the actual gun owner in the case of the Sandy Hook shootings was female and would not have been covered by this program.
When told of Speaker Boehner’s comments, Press Secretary Jay Carney responded with his own question to the White House press corps, “Seriously, you guys are listening to a man with no dick?”