It’s time for a special Halloween edition of your Whoroscopes. OooooOoooOOOOooooOOoooh, I’m making spooky noises and stuff.
ARIES 3/21 – 4/19
This Halloween will prove detrimental to your health. I don’t know the specifics, but I guarantee you will not be healthy after Halloween. Maybe you’ll be hit by a car while you cross the street because of your idiotic Sexy Black Cat costume. Maybe you’ll be beaten to death because of your idiotic Sexy Black-Face costume. Who can say?
TAURUS 4/20 – 5/20
You may not realize this, but I, Madame Meretrix, am a Taurus, so I have a direct line on this particular future. This Halloween will be The Halloween Of Too Many Parties. It will also be The Halloween Of No Panties. And you are going to be druuuuunk.
GEMINI 5/21 – 6/20
Your sign means the twins. I bet you think I’m going to make some reference to you being in a couples costume, or dressing like a famous twin. But I’m not, because your twin died in the womb. So, I guess you could go as a dead fetus and say, “I’m a realistic interpretation of my astrological sign!” Chicks dig that.
CANCER 6/21 – 7/22
You will get lazy this Halloween and decide to wear one of those “This Is My Costume” t-shirts that everyone finds SO hilarious. Then you’ll get mugged on your way to the party and the blood pouring down your face will *actually be your costume, along with your blood-stained, torn, hilarious t-shirt.
LEO 7/23 – 8/22
You will have the worst Halloween yet when your significant other dumps you the night of a party and you have to go dressed as the front half of a horse. Hey, at least the horse head will hide your tears. You should change the original plan and wear some pants, though.
VIRGO 8/23 – 9/22
Trick or treat, Virgo! I have great news for you. This Halloween, the stars will align and you will get laid! Ha, just kidding, no you won’t. See, that was a trick for you, but a treat for me. The look on your face was priceless.
LIBRA 9/23 – 10/22
There’s nothing scarier than a ghost on Halloween, which is good news for you, Libra, because you’re going to be dead by November 1st! You’ll literally be a ghost! Commitment to the bit is the mark of a true professional. Good for you.
SCORPIO 10/23 – 11/21
It’s your time to shine, Scorpio! Not only is it your birthday, you are a total slut who loves dressing up even sluttier on Halloween! I am really looking forward to your costume this year, so I have some suggestions: Slutty Oven Mitt. Slutty Milk Carton. Slutty Butcher Knife. Okay, so maybe I’m writing these in my kitchen.
SAGITTARIUS 11/22 – 12/21
Look, I’m still thinking of slutty costume ideas for Scorpio, so I’ll toss some sexy couples costumes your way. Sexy Bow and Sexy Arrow. Sexy Floss and Sexy Teeth. Sexy Horse and Sexy Catherine The Great. (Why? Oh, she fucked a horse. Did you not know that? I thought everyone knew that.)
CAPRICORN 12/22 – 1/19
Halloween will be the best holiday you’ve had yet this year! No car accidents, no zipper injuries, no crockpot explosions, and no secret half-brothers showing up at your mom’s house asking for money! It’s a Halloween miracle. Oh, but you’ll still have herpes, so don’t expect any changes on that front. Herpes is forever.
AQUARIUS 12/22 – 1/19
You’re a water sign, so it’s no surprise that you’ll enter a wet t-shirt contest at a bar on Halloween. The thing is, they aren’t having a wet t-shirt contest. Also, you’re just naked and pouring water on your chest. Also, no one is cheering, and your friends left a few minutes ago. So, maybe it’s time to stop doing shots, eh?
PISCES 2/19 – 3/20
You will encounter the wrath of the neighborhood children when you give out apples and travel-sized toothpaste on Halloween. Lucky for you, they are weak from malnutrition due to a diet of candy and McDonald’s and can’t throw those eggs very far.