Shakopee, MN – New security measures are in the plans for the Minnesota Renaissance Festival, following the discovery of nearly a billion dollars of valuable dirt beneath the venerable venue.
Mining operations have been underway for years in nearby quarries dug in the late 20th Century by prospectors from the East Coast. Veins of dirt, gravel, and rock discovered beneath the Minnesota’s thick layer of snow prompted hundreds of Libertarians – tired of the stifling Liberal Elitism of the original 13 Colonies – to head West in search of a fortune, and the Minnesota Dirt Rush was born.
But their good fortune spelled trouble for the Renaissance Festival (or “Fest”), which was established as “Future Land” in 1512 (Like KQRS radio, Fest has become an antiquarian phenomenon by simply changing nothing about its entertainment since its establishment). After the quarries were played out attention has turned inevitably to the festival grounds themselves.
“There was no reason for anyone to suspect that the ground extended all the way underneath the Renaissance Festival,” said owner Jim Peterson. The innovative entrepreneur, who has already made a name for himself by inventing a process to extract value from theater majors, has been working on the related project of extracting value from dirt for years. He has developed a new quarrying method called “digging beneath,” or under-mining, by which he hopes to extract value from the Renaissance Festival soil itself.
“I’ve literally been under-mining my own Festival for years,” bragged Peterson, “By allowing venues to collapse and decompose I’m actually creating MORE dirt, which can then be mined and sold to the dirt-free regions of the world.” According to Science, more than two thirds of the planet lacks dirt and soil. Peterson sees a market: “We’ll start at the edges and work our way in until the entire planet is one big ball of dirt.”
But this year a problem was discovered: ungrateful cast members have been smuggling valuable dirt off site, hidden in their clothing, piled atop their cars, and even squirreled away in their lungs and noses. Peterson estimates that he’s losing as much as $10 worth of dirt per cast member per season. “That’s a lot more than we’re paying them,” he growls.
So next season new security measures are planned. Although the details are secret, a small plane flying over the grounds during morning cast call snapped pictures of shower facilities under construction near every gate. As the cast sang “Sing Low, Sweet Chariot” in honor of their slave heritage, trucks were spotted delivering vacuum probes and chrome speculum to these new security checkpoints.
One security staffer, who only gave her name as “Doctor Megan,” was spotted near a security checkpoint, donning rubber gloves next to an electric lube heater. “Basically our job is to go in there and retrieve any dirt these guys are carrying in their orifices.” Pulling on a white lab coat she added, “These will be the first showers many of them have had in weeks.”
There are challenges ahead, but Peterson is confident. “It’s not out of the question that we’ll simply keep the cast on site permanently. They’ve been known to reproduce on the Festival grounds, particularly in Bad Manor and the Hobbit Hole, so we should be able to replace the ones that expire.” Peterson taps a pile of computer printouts on his desk and winks, “According to our research, theater majors decompose into dirt, too.”