Earth (AP) – A newly released study by scientists all over the globe has alarmed world leaders and shaken the confidence of the average person. In a joint conference from laboratories in Beijing, the United States, Paris, and Moscow, scientists predicted that within one hundred years, almost every person on the planet Earth will die.
“Clearly we are quite alarmed,” said Director-General Yves Demay of École Polytechnique. “By current estimates, we predict almost seven billion deaths will occur over the next century. That is a tragedy beyond comprehension.”
According to records produced as evidence by the coalition of scientists, billions have already died in the past century, and numbers are increasing. “In the year 1900, there were 1.65 billion people in the world,” noted Charles McMillan of Los Alamos National Laboratory, “As far as we can tell based on our studies, almost all of them have died.”
As is common when science is involved, large numbers of skeptics remain. US Republican Senator Lindsey Graham, part of a coalition of Congresspeople seeking to cut funding into crisis research, spoke for many of the doubters. “These ridiculous claims that ‘billions’ have died,” said the senator, setting down a soft drink to make air quotes before continuing “are not borne out by any evidence. If billions of people had died, their bodies would litter the streets. We’d have corpses everywhere.” The senator then made a show of looking out his office window, “I’m sorry, I don’t see ANY bodies out there.”
Commentator and media personality Rush Limbaugh was more direct. During his first program following the announcement, Limbaugh spent most of his time attacking the research. “If billions of people were dying, you’d see them dying all around us. People would be dropping dead in the street! I’ll tell you what’s happening, my friends. The LIBERALS have made up this whole thing. By SCARING you with this rubbish, they’re trying to CONTROL YOUR MIND.”
Recent polls indicate that both sides of this argument are being heard. A recent Pew Research poll showed that nearly 75% of those people presently living have not died, while almost 80% of those polled believe they know of someone who has died. However despite these numbers, less than 10% of respondents could claim to have seen a corpse in the past 24 hours.
In the end, these predictions amount to only a theory. It remains to be seen if by the year 2113 nearly seven billion people will have died.