ARIES 3/21 – 4/19
Uranus is in your 1st House of Personality. Yep. You heard me. When you think personality this month, think about Uranus. Also, Venus is entering Leo and your 5th House of Romance, so you are teetering on a breakthrough when it comes to matters of the heart. You will be feeling quite attractive and will have no difficulty getting attention. Add that to the fiery Aries Full Moon at the end of the month, and brother, you’re in for an ass-banging the likes of which has not yet been experienced by man.
TAURUS 4/20 – 5/20
The Sun is shining directly in your 5th House of Love and Creativity, which means it’s time for you to enter the spotlight and demonstrate your skills as a performer. Transformational Pluto turns direct in the middle of this month, and squares with Uranus. This will create a sense of reawakening. Or awakening, if you haven’t ever awakened before. Sounds to me like you’re going to wake up on a stage, bound to a chair directly in a spotlight, and be forced to perform. Fellatio. On lots of dudes.
GEMINI 5/21 – 6/20
Chiron is in the house, y’all, and it’s giving positive aspects to Pluto. This means all your choices will be pretty maverick this month, because that’s how Chiron rolls. Mid-September, Mars quincuxes Jupiter, which will stress you the fuck out when it comes to creative projects. Here, you can have this idea: paint a mustache on a package of bacon and take a photo of it with Instagram. Creative. (Okay, yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You’re all like, “Quincuxes? That’s not a word.” And you’re right. I looked it up, and it’s not. Fucking stars and planets are trying to get me fired.)
CANCER 6/21 – 7/22
Fucking hell, your stars are boring this month. The overall theme of your month is clear communication and well-managed data. No, really. No sex, no romance, just precision in language and a fresh look at responsibility. The Sun is shining in your 3rd House of Information and Education, which will empower your words with practicality. Boring. Then the Virgo New Moon is in your 3rd House of Information, which will deepen your interest in the study of a useful subject. Boring. The Sun-Moon conjunction will manmkednekswlw …. what?!?! Oh man, sorry. I nodded off. Anyway, for you, I think this month requires tequila. Tequila always makes things more interesting, for better or worse.
LEO 7/23 – 8/22
If Cancer’s month is an Excel spreadsheet, your month is a rollercoaster stuffed with cocaine fireworks. It’s either going to be thrilling or distracting as hell. First of all, there’s unexpected Uranus in your 9th House of Future Vision (heh) which will alter the rhythm of your daily grind (heh), inciting you to take unnecessary risks. That coupled with Venus entering your sign (heh) will lead to a volcanic eruption of love (heh) so take advantage of this and spruce up your appearance. Maybe those risks you’re going to take should be with your hair. Cut it all off. Or if you don’t have any, get a head tattoo. It doesn’t matter. You’ll probably be dead in weeks from the volcano.
VIRGO 8/23 – 9/22
Hey fatty. Yeah, I’m talking to you. The Virgo New Moon is joining forces with Mercury and entering your 1st House of Physicality, and it’s time for you to get in shape. Put down the Cheetos and go for a walk, or your 1st House of Physicality will have to get one of those electric chairs installed in it to help your fat ass up the stairs. Apparently, the second of seven life-altering Uranus-Pluto squares will be occurring in the middle of September. Yes, LIFE-ALTERING. Nothing will ever be the same after this random alignment of random values we attributed to various stars in the sky based on what shapes we thought they sort of looked like. NOTHING. Except the fact that you look terrible in skinny jeans. Oh yeah, and happy birthday.
LIBRA 9/23 – 10/22
Uranus is catalytic this month, and it’s in your 7th House of Others. Ha, Uranus is catalytic in others. You’d think I’d get tired of all the Uranus jokes, but I swear to god I never will. Anyway, catalytic means causing change, and Uranus is certainly causing change for you this month. (Oh man, this just gets funnier.) Uranus entering your 7th House of Others is the second in a series of seven occurrences involving Uranus, and it will activate some domestic stress. Seven occurrences with others in Uranus will do that, I’ve heard. Your greatest attribute is your diplomacy and ability to judge fairly, so when your domestic partner gets upset about all the activity and change in Uranus, smack the bitch. Diplomatically.
SCORPIO 10/23 – 11/21
You are one emotional piece of work, and this month is only going to intensify that. The Full Moon is in Aries and will be fucking shit up in your 6th House of Employment. Your raw emotions are now exposed and chaos will reign. I predict you will be unable to control yourself when your boss asks you to stay late on Thursday. You’ll start a fire in your trash can, and take out a co-worker with a desk lamp when she tries to get between you and the vending machine. You’ll punch the glass until it shatters, grab all the Snickers bars, and stuff your mouth with chocolate while shrieking the Rush classic “Tom Sawyer” until your throat bleeds. At least, that’s what the word chaos means to me. I’m sure the stars just mean you’ll lose some paperwork.
SAGITTARIUS 11/22 – 12/21
You are contradiction city this month, Sagittarius. Your career takes center stage when Mercury and the Sun enter your 10th House of Public Life. But then Mars in Scorpio enters your 12th House of Privacy, and 12 is more than 10, so that one wins. Or something. (And this is not made up so don’t give me that face.) So because 12 beats 10, you’ll be working behind the scenes. Of your life. I’m assuming you live on a stage. That’s really weird, so maybe you should look for an apartment or something that doesn’t have a behind-the-scenes area. Oh! And you should prioritize your tasks, because of some shit that the New Moon is doing. Your number one priority should be boobs. Interpret that as you will.
CAPRICORN 12/22 – 1/19
You may think everything around you is changing. That’s because it is, fool. Uranus and Pluto are squaring off and causing stress. I bet you think September will be the end of the changes, but you are dead wrong. The stars think your life will be fucking crazy all the way through March 16, 2015. Yes, that’s a very specific date. Do you doubt the stars’ veracity? Are you some kind of expert on the truth as relates to astronomical beings in the sky? That’s right, you’re not and I am, so shut up and listen to me. The Moon is in your 4th House (House of what? Of nothing, just your 4th House, shut up and listen) and that will lead to domestic upheaval. Keep a positive attitude and you may still be alive at the end of all of this. Unless… Oh shit! Dude, you’re gonna die on March 16, 2015! That’s the only possible explanation!
AQUARIUS 1/20 – 2/18
The Virgo Sun is in your 8th House of Deep Sharing and it’s making you feel penned in, man. Like, all these people keep trying to put you in their little labeled boxes, dig? But you’re like, immune to their labels and the slings and arrows of The Man. Your freedoms are like, precious. So it’s time to work to untangle the knots of misunderstanding. If you’re bored at your job, it’s because your ruling planet Uranus is all stirred up, and it’s making you doubt your career choices. Maybe you weren’t destined to be a sandwich artist after all. Maybe it’s time to think about the high-powered, fast-paced life of a barista. Like, whoa.
PISCES 2/19 – 3/20
Relationships are key this month, from the workplace to the bedroom. You have Mercury in your 7th House of Partners, and because of that, every syllable counts. So make sure to use the biggest words you know. Indiscriminately partake in egregious demeanors while systematically beguiling all accomplices and you’ll amalgamate synergy. Or at your vocabulary level: be nice to them what is your friend and get more good from it. (Idiot.) Harmony with everyone around you is key due to the Sun hanging out in your 7th House of Others, so when it’s time for the monthly gang-bang, let Karen decide which dildo to use first. She’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness.