Hogsmeade, UK – Desperate to increase declining enrollment, Slytherin House of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry today unveiled a new water park featuring Slytherin’s infamous serpent motif. Enrollment in the fourth-most-popular Hogwarts House has been in decline for some time, and whispers have lately been circulating that the House would be disbanded altogether and its students merged with Hufflepuff, or permitted to transfer to Durmstrang.
Rumored to be considering his second retirement, Head of Slytherin House Horace Slughorn dismissed speculation and denies that he wished to “go out with a bang.”
“Nonsense!,” the enormous Head chortled, “This project has been in planning for some time, as you might expect. We want 2012 to be our ‘lucky number 13.’” This last apparently in reference to the number of years of declining enrollment since the Battle of Hogwarts.
The slides emerge from various points on Hogwarts Castle and empty into Black Lake, beneath which it is rumored Slytherin House has its rooms. Mer-people interviewed for the story were clearly concerned about this intrusion upon their territory. The particulars of their complaints remain sketchy since no one who could speak Mermish was available to translate.
Spells, apparently related to the “flush-for-entrance” charm used in the Ministry of Magic during the Thicknesse administration, prevent students from being soaked and reportedly deposit them safely in the Slytherin House Great Room.
Project backer Draco Malfoy was strongly supportive of the new features. “Slytherin House has an undeserved reputation for humorlessness and villainy. The new water park shows the world that we know how to have fun, too.” Asked what happens to non-Slytherin students attempting to use the slides, Malfoy replied, “The fangs are fully functional.”
(Portions of this article were sourced from The Quibbler, with thanks.)