Tit-Harnessing: Perfectly Cupping the Bazooms

Ladies, let’s face it: Bras are not made for actual human beings. Does *anyone* know a woman that’s got more than one bra which fits her perfectly and comfortably? We didn’t think so. Most of us, sadly, are reduced to finding one bra that works and STICKING WITH IT. Achieving comfort is difficult enough, so how can we even think about maximizing the appeal of our milk-melons?

Well, we here at BHT went on a search. We thoroughly combed the Internet for the best tips and guidelines on finding a bra that fits well. After that, we asked the biggest sluts we know (read: next cubicle over) about how they get their awesome lift and perfect boobage appeal.

Fitting Your Bra: The Measurement (or, what the hell do those numbers mean?)

The Head Trollop recalls with fondness entering a well-known lingerie chain store wearing a comfy C-cup bra and being told she should be wearing an A, according to the numbers. While we’re willing to accept minor differences in band size, or even being on the borderline of a cup, something just ain’t right here…

Band Size: That One is the Number

The band size is your chest measurement, just below your breasts, plus 5. Why it was necessary to add 5, we’re not sure, but we blame the increasing obesity of American women.

To measure, put your favorite bra on and adjust it so that it’s comfortable. The band of the bra should not be cutting into your ribs, or producing rolls below the breasts; this is going to throw the measurement off. Now measure, with a flexible measuring tape, around your chest just below the bra band. Add 5 to that measurement. Since bras all come in even band sizes, if you get an odd result, round up to the next even number.

Example: The Head Trollop measures 28” around the bra band. She adds 5 to that and gets 33”, so she has to round up to 34”.

Cup Size: I’d Rather Have a Coffee, Personally

Cup sizes are those mysterious letters that seem to have nothing to do with real-life perception. We don’t know about you, but in school wasn’t an A better? And in bra size, well…OOH TEENY!

To determine cup size, measure around the fullest part of the breasts. For most women (but not all) this will be approximately along the line of where the nipples are.

Now, subtract the band size from this measurement. Theoretically, if you have a difference of:

1”: You are an A cup
2”: You are a B cup
3”: You are a C cup
4”: You are a D cup
5”: You are an E cup. You’ve also probably never heard of an E cup. This is more commonly known as DD.
6”: You are an F cup. This is more commonly known as DDD.

Example: The Head Trollop measures 37” around the fullest part of her breasts. Her band size has already been determined as 34”, so she subtracts: 37” – 34” = 3” difference. The Head Trollop is a 34C bra size.

The Head Trollop actually *does* find a 34C is the most comfortable size, generally, so the measurements hold true for her. However, for many women this is not the case. If your measurements yield increments like half-inches, you may want to keep a note of this and adjust your size if the measured size isn’t quite working out. Since standards vary greatly between bra manufacturers, the best way to get a good bra is to try them on, every single time, starting with your measured size.

Also keep in mind at what point in your cycle you measure. The Head Trollop can personally attest that women can change a full cup size and more as they approach that time of the month. If you’re a woman whose boobs swell a lot, you might want to consider having a “period bra” in a different size.

Troubleshooting Your Bra: Ur Doin it Rong

The right bra should provide support without slipping, cutting into the skin, having the band ride up, creating a “double-bubble”, or having the breasts fall out when you move. If it’s doing these things, you’re either wearing something that you stole from Stormy Daniels, or you’re wearing the wrong size. Or both. Stormy Daniels has enormous boobs.

Really, though, your bra is probably doing at least one of those things. We found a terrific website during our search that offers some great solutions to common fitting problems. Check out Her Room at http://www.herroom.com/solve-bra-size-and-fit-problems,909,30.html

Creating Cleavage: You Fit What Down There?!?

Even the tiniest little A cup can create cleavage worthy of a Miley Cyrus video.

-Buy a push-up bra. These bras are specifically designed to cleavage-ify your rack.

-Buy a convertible bra, and cross the straps in the back. This does two things: it lifts the breasts and brings them closer together to make the cleavage. Advantage to doing it this way: you can uncross the straps when you don’t want to look like a hoor.

-Good posture. Stand up straight, shoulders back, and keep the muscles of the chest engaged. You’re not going to bench-press your way to bigger boobs, but keeping the pectoral muscles toned will add a little lift. If you lose this muscle tone, your breasts will start to sag.

-Choose your shirts carefully. Deep V-necks won’t do you any good, but narrow V-necks or tops with asymmetrical necklines will help create the illusion of larger breasts.

Now that your tits are perfectly harnessed into a socially-acceptable shape, be sure to visit us next month for the start of our educational series on wine!