Understanding Minnesota’s Marriage Amendment

On November 6th, 2012 Minnesota voters will have the opportunity to change the state’s Constitution. The measure will be presented as:

Limiting the status of marriage to opposite sex couples.
“Recognition of Marriage Solely Between One Man and One Woman.”

  • YES
  • NO


Professor Nick Glover of Minnesota’s Hamlying University explains, “what we have here is a ‘Double Fuck-You Illegal’ amendment. Gay marriage is already illegal, and will continue to be illegal even if the amendment fails. However funding and interests outside Minnesota are helping us alter our state’s constitution to remind everyone that in the US of A, rights are sorted by gender. If we don’t know who to tell to get back into the kitchen to make our pie, our very society will crumble.”

The Vote Yes campaign came about when the government’s attempts to fix the economy made society progress too much that it frightened Conservatives. They also didn’t like to see the economy improve under a Democratic presidency, so they decided to that attacking social issues would regress both issues. They are going after the biggest, baddest social problem that the world has ever seen: LOVE. If we don’t love each other the right way, God doesn’t love us back and He will punish us by destroying our society and our economy. God already causes disasters like 9/11 and bacon shortages because of feminists and our ridiculously high tolerance of homosexuals.

There are many reasons why people would Vote Yes. Rick Ashmouth said that gay sex was just gross. “When I fuck my wife in the ass, that’s good clean God-loving sex because she’s submitting to me the way God told her to. When a guy does it to another guy that submission is an abomination! Besides, how do you even figure out whose clothes are whose afterwards?!” Rick admits that he fully supports two women having sex, because without a penis it’s not real sex. Also, it’s hot.

Betty Applegate is going to vote “yes” because “family.” When questioned what she meant, she repeated loudly, “Family! Kids! Think of the children!” However, it is not yet clear how denying things like benefits and hospital visitation to the children of gay parents helps them.

There are thousands of people who want to stop this amendment from being passed. They claim things like religious freedom and that not discriminating people on the basis of gender are preferred stances for Minnesota. However since this amendment is about shoehorning some people’s interpretation of their religion between consensual bodies, freedom doesn’t seem to apply here.

Amendment supporters are also making sure that marriages that are “one woman and one man” are also illegal. “It is outrageous that a woman should ever be the leader in a relationship!” The very idea that a woman would be mentioned before a man has outraged many religious groups.There is no word when they will start supporting amendments banning divorce, marriages between infertile couples or those not planning to procreate, or when they will start lobbying for daughters to be married against their will in trade for goats and other tokens.

On November 6th, Minnesota will find out whether they prefer to write discrimination into their Constitution, or if they’d rather God unleashed another punishment upon them. It is still a toss-up, since November is when Minnesota’s winter starts to settle in- and it might be appealing to burn in Hell.